The Week in Review

Here I sit at my desk Friday afternoon at the office. We've pretty much been sans doctors for three days, and for the most part the office has been calm and quiet, plus I had yesterday afternoon and this morning off. It's been a good week indeed.

I feel like this week has been a good balance of busy and relaxing. I've had work and social activities, but also some excellent 'park time' spent with God. I've spent some wonderful time with friends, but I've also had some great time by myself. I feel good inside, and on the outside my tan is progressing very nicely!

After my last couple of blogs which have been composed after some deep soul searching, I'm going to keep this one lighter and share some simple moments of the week that have impacted me, be it for good or ill.

1. In Harry Potter news, J.K. Rowling admitted that at least two characters will perish in the seventh and final H.P. book. This has struck a chord worldwide with the millions of devoted Harry fans . . . myself included. Who will the two fatally wounded characters be? Speculation is rife these days, and I have read some of these predictions on the internet. In my opinion, I hope and pray it's not any of the three main characters (as in Harry, Ron or Hermione) -- especially Ron, because, let's face it, I've always had a bit of crush on him.

2. I tried out a new LUSH bath product this week: Pop in the Bath. Glorious smell and loads of bubbles. Tres gorgeous!

3. On Wednesday, I tragically dropped a two-hole puncher on my nearly naked besandled foot. Ouch! I now have a beautiful battle wound on my left foot under my big toe. It's amazing the injuries office equipment can inflict.

4. And finally, to my utter joy (and surprise), I found out that I can purchase online, episodes of my favorite cartoon show of all time: Voltron. I was just starting school when this show aired, and my first romance was with Keith of the Red Lion. I truly didn't distinguish that he was merely a cartoon character, and was only really alive in my imagination. I pretty much did a whole project about him for school in first grade. And yes, I did own a toy Voltron 'doll.' I was hardcore! And now, I can be reunited with this wonderful Japanimation show -- all 72 episodes can be mine for $100. Could this be the price of true love?

I told you that this was not a deep blog, and you can see that I wasn't lying! Among all these shallow, insignificant thoughts, I've also had many thoughts and discussions about what's real and true and important. A balanced week, indeed.

Final shoutout: Go Team England! I will be watching you tomorrow morning bright and early while I drink my hot, British tea.

Accumulated Thoughts from the Weekend

Monday afternoon at the office. It’s a bit of an unusual week. Two of our docs are leaving Wednesday for vacation, meaning that things are a little bit wild around here. Today hasn’t been too insane (just typical Monday stuff, actually), but I’m wondering if tomorrow everyone will be in panic mode. It might get ugly. Looking forward to some time off toward the end of the week.

First of all, let me just say how excited I am that England is still in the World Cup! And, I’m even more excited that their next match is Saturday morning, which means I will finally get to see my boys play again. I can’t wait to park myself on the sofa, proudly wearing my Beckham football shirt, and cheer on my team. I heart football (Americans call it ‘soccer’), and I heart England. I’m super enthused!

I feel like this past weekend was a spiritual feast. On Saturday, I finished reading Every Woman’s Battle by Shannon Ethredge. Overall, it was an interesting book, but something Stephen Arterburn wrote in the afterword really grabbed my attention and held on tight.

The battle for emotional and sexual fulfillment is not an easy one because life is full of disappointments. For some women, every day is an invitation to live in a fantasy world that has no match in reality. So if you are married, you must live each day purposefully focused on building a bond with your husband that grows stronger over time, even through tough seasons . . . If you are single – whether never married, divorced or widowed – you have a different assignment. You must build a stronger, more intimate bond with God. This bond can produce such fulfillment and connection that you will never feel that you are incomplete as a single person. God’s plan for you is a rich and abundant as His plan for married women.

I love that. It inspires me to live out my purpose as an unmarried daughter of God. This is prime time for seeking Him, learning Him, chasing Him. I so often forget that God is the creator and author of romance, and right now, this very minute He is romancing me. Me! He is asking me to get to know Him. He is calling me to come closer, to go deeper with Him.

Sunday evening at our singles’ life group, a married couple from our church spoke honestly and practically about different things they wish they had done before they got married to better prepare themselves for the marriage relationship and for their roles as husband and wife. After basically captivating us for almost an hour, they finished their discussion with a challenge: write down five things we could do now to improve our lives, and then share them with someone who will hold you accountable for pursuing those five things. After what I read on Saturday, this seemed like the next natural step for living out my God-given purpose as a single woman.

I’ve been considering this challenge the past couple of days (by the way, it’s now Tuesday at the office), and my list has grown to more than five. But lest I overwhelm myself, I think I will stop there and share them with my faithful (few) readers.

Six things I need to do now that will improve my life. By Michelle.

1. Pursue my purpose. I truly believe that God created me to help those who are grieving. I learned this when I worked with crime victims in England. For a year, I worked with people who had an immediate family member murdered. Obviously, this was hard, emotional work, but one day, it was like a light bulb came on. I knew this is what God made me to do. In England, I could have started my career in this, but here in America, I’ve got to head back to school. My goal is to start in autumn 2007. If this truly is the Lord’s plan for my life, He’ll provide all I need to do this.

2. Live by my budget. Ok, I’ve had a budget for years. In England, I had to strictly adhere to it. Since I moved back to America, I’ve not done nearly as well. I’ve made all kinds of excuses, but the bottom line is, I’ve become somewhat irresponsible with money. I know that needs to change.

3. Take better care of my physical body. I don’t eat nearly as well or exercise nearly as much as I should. I’ve always loved working out, but again, I’ve made far too many excuses to be sedentary. In England, I walked everywhere and cooked almost every night. I was very healthy. Now, I can feel myself getting lazier and fatter. Bleh. This is not how I want to look on the outside or be on the inside. This is the only physical body I’ve got, and I need to take much better care of it.

4. Learn to be comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I’ve made huge progress in the past couple of years when it comes to knowing and liking myself. However, one of my greatest struggles has been and continues to be comparing myself with other women. This causes jealousy, envy, bitterness, ungratefulness, self-pity and a general lack of self confidence. I’ve never measured up, and I never will. I have got to stop playing the comparison game, because I’ll never win and relationships will be torn apart because of it. I want to know Michelle, believe that I am an amazing woman of God, and confidently share that woman with the people in my life and the world around me.

5. Become more outreaching. I want to be known as an encourager, not a discourager. I want people to be happy to see me coming their way. Over the past several months, I have become more and more self-centered. I see this in myself, and it makes me really sad. I want to bless people and not drain them. I want to add to their lives, not take away. Often I want to drop people a card or an e-mail or invite them over to hang out or get coffee. I don’t know what holds me back. Fear, probably. It’s that whole “if I reach out to you, are you going to reject me?” I need to be brave and spread the love!

6. Finally, I want to develop the heart of an adventurer. I want to explore life and love it and soak it up. I want to try new things and have new experiences. I want to be a sensual person – one who smells, tastes, hears, sees and touches life to the full. I want to see the world and learn and grow. I don’t want to wait until I’m married, have a newer car, or a job I passionately love to thoroughly and exuberantly enjoy life.

This is, by far, probably the longest blog I’ve ever written. If you’re still reading this, bless you, and please do hold me accountable to these goals. I think I’ve mostly recorded all of this for me, to get my thoughts out where I can see them. Obviously, I need to break these goals down even more and consider how they will practically look in my life. But most of all, I’ve got to start living them right now.

Today's excitement (with a devo thought thrown in)

Today's exciting news: I thought a patient was going to jump over the counter and beat me up. Apparently there was a mix-up in communication. She thought that because she doesn't have insurance, we said we'd pay for her pregnancy. What?! Are we the nicest, most generous doctor's office in the universe? NO! We are not. She was very unhappy when I -- followed by the office manager -- told her that, no, she will either get insurance or pay several thousand dollars from her own pocket. Good times.

We also had a patient show up today in labor. Now, this is not hugely unusual here, but this woman was the furthest into labor I've ever seen. Funnily enough, she told me she was NOT going to the hospital unless the little guy stuck his head out and waved. Five minutes later, she was leaving our office, going to -- guess where -- the hospital. Of course. I could've told her that her baby was about to drop out on the floor, and I'm no nurse. Maybe she has something against Tuesdays or June 20th or something.

So, exciting times here at the OB/GYN office, but that's not what I really intend to write about this afternoon.

I have a set of 31 index cards in my car, each one with a Bible verse that really encourages me, challenges me, inspires me, etc. There's one for each day of the month (with a couple extra some months, of course). Before I get out of my car and walk into the office, I read my 'verse for the day' and think about it for a quick moment. Today's verse has become very, very important for my life. It's the verse that I want to live up to.

Song of Solomon 2:2 -- Yes, compared to other women, my beloved is like a lily among thorns.

I'll confess, I'm a bit obsessed with this verse. I think about it a lot. It's kind of my measuring stick -- am I a lily or a thorn?

Lilies are beautiful, soft, inviting, lovely. You just kind of want to touch them and look at them and bury your face in them. They make people happy and freely offer their beauty. And they smell good, too! In contrast, thorns are prickly, sharp, unattractive, and kind of send the message: 'Get back! Stay away!' Thorns are not approachable. They can be painful.

There are days when I am most definitely a thorn. Probably more days than I care to admit.

I believe the point Solomon was trying to make with this verse was that his beloved was not only beautiful, soft, inviting, encouraging, and lovely, she was rare. She stood out from the other women he saw and knew. There was something different about her. She had that je ne sais quoi.

I want to be the lily. I want to be rare and unique and different. I don't want to be like everyone else, just another thorn.

The challenging thing is, being the lily is not easy. That's why they're rare. It's far, far easier to just follow the crowd and do what everyone else is doing, to get comfortable with the status quo. I fall into that category a lot, sadly. I take the easy, pain-free, what-comes-natural-to-me way out. But deep down, my heart longs to do what it takes to be the lily. It will mean sacrifice and leaving the comfort zone. It might mean ridicule from the 'thorns' around me. And I've found that surrendering to God is never a painless procedure. I have a feeling that becoming the lily is kind of like the process it takes to purify gold and silver -- hot, intense, cleansing, and ultimately, transforming.

This week's hits and misses

Friday afternoon at the office. Quiet. Peaceful. Kind of boring.

My stomach is full of Orange Peel Chicken from Pei Wei (courtesy of my sister), and my work is done. I'm here until 4 to answer the phones and do the deposit.

It's been an interesting week. I feel like I've dealt with such an extreme range of emotions, stayed up far too late pretty much every night, and neglected time alone with God and myself for reasons which can be more correctly termed as poor excuses.

But overall, this week hasn't been too bad. Actually, it's been . . . well, I just wrote it in the preceding paragraph: interesting. Here are some of the highs and lows of the past seven days.

HITS
** My new haircut is cute. Really cute. Even the doctors here complimented me on it (and I feel like that is near miraculous).
** The gorgeous sunshiny weather day after day after day.
** Pay day. Need I say more?
** Working out at the gym last night with Jen. We braved it and tried out some of the weight machines. And it's fun to go to the gym with a friend.
** I was introduced to Eddy's Limited Edition Butterfinger ice cream this week. Which basically means I was introduced to heaven in a bowl.
** I was also introduced to High School Musical, which is sheer joy and cheesiness all wrapped up into a 96 minute long movie.
** I had 'park time' twice this week. Bliss.
** I heard from some of my far-flung friends via e-mail: Andrea in Japan, Joanne/Victoria/Lydia in England, and Kevin in Scotland.


MISSES
** The over-abundance of extremely high-maintenance patients this week. Is it the full moon, or what?
** I had to pay my car insurance today. Boo. (But, hallelujah, God provided).
** I bought a cute new shirt, but I think it fits me all wrong. I'm wearing it today, and I'm starting to feel awkward about it. Hmmmm . . .
** Lack of sleep (but I have only myself to blame).
** Unhappy e-mails from people who I wish had been brave/considerate enough to speak to me in person.

I am so excited about sleeping in tomorrow. I'm kind of afraid our maintenence men will decide 7 a.m. Saturday morning would be the perfect time to mow the grass. Praying not.

Sunday is my praise team debut at church. I am nervous, and trying to not to think about it.

It's been a great week. I'm praying for an even more fabulous weekend!

Winding down the work week with a few factazoids on Friday afternoon

Last night, my sister and I watched 'King Arthur: The Director's Cut.' In England, where I was living when it came out, I was told to never, ever watch it. Aside from the fact that Clive Owen and Ioan Gruffedd are both super manly and hot and have lead roles, I now understand why I was instructed to avoid said movie. While beautifully shot, it was somewhat confusing and flat and abrupt. So there. Today's free movie review by Michelle.

I heart Vitamin Water. Have you tried it? It's yummy, and it makes me feel like I'm doing something healthier than drinking soda (even diet ones) all the time. Sometimes plain water just doesn't cut it! However, I do wonder if Vitamin Water is really beneficial at all. In fact, one of the doctors saw me drinking it the other day and read the bottle. He, too, wasn't sure it was really as healthy as the VW marketeers would like me to think. Alas, I think I'll live in this water fantasy world a bit longer -- I really quite enjoy the stuff! Plus, it is sold in organic/health food shops. Surely it can't be all that bad.

Today I am getting my hair cut . . . by a man. I've never had a male hairdresser before, and I'm slightly nervous about this new experience. Yet, at the same time, I'm also intrigued. And excited about having a new do.

This week, I've made an effort to read more, and I'm glad that I have. Currently, I am reading Emily Ever After -- a cute, light-hearted, Christian chic-lit novel, which is great for winding down before bed. It's funny and witty and makes me feel happy.

On a more serious note, I am reading Every Woman's Battle as part of my 'quiet time'. This book is about a woman's struggle for sexual integrity -- physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It's interesting to really break down what it means to have sexual integrity and purity. Believe me, I was way more aware of my thoughts last night as I watched Clive and Ioan!

It's 3 p.m. Only an hour to go! Tomorrow I get to go to a dodgeball tournament -- my first one ever! I'm excited to see what this is all about.

Happy weekend to all and to all a good Friday!

Michelle the Grouch

I think it’s the week of the grumpies in Michellesville. Maybe it’s just the post-birthday blues. Maybe this is how it feels to be 28-years-old. Maybe it’s something deeper.

I don’t like feeling this way. I feel like a crusty, bitter, shriveled old woman. I feel like I’m mad at everyone and everything. I feel like the tiniest things are pushing me over the edge. And I don’t like it. Grrrrrrrrrr.

Yesterday was rough. And I feel like I’m still coping with the after-effects today. The sad thing is, nothing that upset me was all that big a deal. But the little things do add up.

I got lost driving around downtown Nashville yesterday during rush-hour traffic. I know I’m a driving wuss, but I feel like I come by it naturally (come on, I learned to drive in a town that has hitching posts for the Amish buggies at Wal-Mart and classmates drove tractors to school. Not to mention, I didn’t drive for five years while I lived in England). I was in an unfamiliar area, the cars behind me were getting angry (and vocal with their car horns), my car was overheating and the oil light was on, and the person I needed to answer their phone wasn’t. After ten minutes of this, I burst into tears. And not just, ‘Aw, look at that small, dainty tear seeping out of my eye’, this was ‘Holy Niagara! The dam just burst.’ I was sobbing and wailing and my vision was definitely obstructed. Turns out, I was only a block away from where I needed to be (which made me feel not only like a cry-baby, but also a complete moron). I’ve been thinking about this incident since then, feeling somewhat sheepish, but I know that it’s showing me something deeper about myself.

I need to take a break. I need to be still and quiet. I’ve been filling up my calendar with fun stuff, but neglecting to make time for what’s really important. I’m not a big people person at the best of times, but my job requires me to deal with needy people all day long. After work, I usually rush off to another social activity which is fun, but if I’m honest, inside I’m thinking about how tired I am, how I’ve put God on the back burner again, and how I need to do a million things when I get home before I go to bed. I feel guilty, rushed, exhausted (physically and emotionally), and basically, out of control. I’m not eating right, I’m not exercising right, I’m not sleeping right, and I’m most definitely not treating God right. Yes, my life is abundant, but not with the right things. I’ve filled it with shallow, fluffy, feel-good activities, but my heart is crying out for a deeper healing and filling. I’m busy, but empty at the same time. I think I may have written before about how I dislike who I’ve become since I’ve been back from England. And yet, I have no one to blame but myself. I’ve made my own decisions and choices and set my priorities. I can’t blame that on the culture here or my job or my friends.

I think of the woman I want to be, and I feel like I’m moving further and further away from her. I don’t know when I became so self-centered. I’ve realized that I don’t really take the time to listen to people anymore or ask them questions about their lives. It’s all about me and my drama. I want people to know and like me, but I don’t make the effort at getting to know and like other people.
The desire to change and grow and become a better woman is huge. I want it. I want to be the lily, and not the thorn. I want to be different and rare. But Satan is the master discourager. Right now, I’m believing him when he tells me how unattractive, how hopeless and how unnecessary I am. When I believe that I am not needed or wanted, I find myself more driven to pack my schedule as tightly as I can to somehow prove that yes, I am wanted and needed around here.

I was talking with a godly friend the other evening, and we talked about this very thing – how we use busyness as a drug to make us feel better about who we are and our current situations. We don’t trust God to give us what we need (friends, intimacy, true fellowship, purpose), so we say yes to every opportunity that comes along, even if we sense that opportunity may not be God’s best for us. It’s the whole concept of Matthew 6:33 – when we put God first and focus on making Him our top priority, He’ll fill in the rest. If I let go of the need to prove something to myself and the world around me, and just say, “Ok, God, I’m making You #1. I’m focusing on You, and letting You chose how to transform the rest of the my life,” He’s promised that He will. I can count on it.

Don’t know how many of you readers are still with me. This blog has evolved over almost an entire work day between patients and phone calls. It’s good to put my heart to words and see it in black and white.

And now, to end on a brighter note:
It’s Wednesday afternoon, which means the work week is half over. The weekend is getting closer by the minute!

There now, don’t you feel better?

Confessions of a 28-year-old

Bon Anniversaire a moi!

Gone are my days as a youthful 27-year-old. I have now officially entered the world of someone in their 'late 20s'. And, you know what? It's not bad at all!

How has this, my 28th birthday, been so far? Well, at midnight, I was serenaded by my three spades-playing companions, Lesley, Aaron and Cory. It made me think back to a year ago, when, at midnight, I opened one gift with my then roommate Angie, my friend Graham called to be the first person to wish me happy birthday, and I was sitting in my kitchen in England. It's funny to think that the people I was with at midnight this morning, I didn't even know a year ago when I was hanging out in Loughborough.

Got to work this morning (after only five hours of sleep, thanks spades buddies), and my front desk mate Megan had made me a card with Dr. Jack from LOST on it, accompanied by a bag of chocolate-covered peanuts (this girl is very observant!), and another card which is perfect for me. It reads: "If you're not going to SNORT, why even laugh?" I heartily agree with the sentiments!

Work has been busy today, but there was plenty of cake left from yesterday, and then post-lunch, a special treat: my friend Melody brought me a gift I had been longing for all day -- a glamorous tiara to go with my gaudy Chuck-E-Cheese jewelry! Said tiara also had matching plastic earrings and a purple fluffy boa! But that wasn't all! Also in the gift bad was Ben & Jerry's ice cream! Gorgeous! And then it got even better: homemade magnets of John Krasinski/Jim Halpert. Ahhh, perfection!

I love celebrating on my birthday. I used to not care or want anyone to know. Thankfully, God woke me up to the fact that He made me, created me, and welcomed me to the world on June 2, 28 years ago. He's blessed me and given me so much for which to be thankful. That's worth celebrating -- LIFE is worth celebrating!

On my birthday, I like to engage in a little reflection -- examining the past year, and setting some goals for the next one. It's amazing to think that a year ago, my life was so different: different job, different friends, different vocabulary, different transportation, different country. I feel like I've had to grow and stretch and almost become a whole new person over the past twelve months. I look back over the year, and I'm proud of myself. Yet, I know it's God who deserves the credit. It's incredible to think that He numbered the days of my life before I'd lived even one of them. This past year held no suprises for Him; He was perfectly able to guide me through it.

Where do I want to be a year from now on my 29th birthday? What do I hope to accomplish before my next birthday? I would love to be in the position to start my master's degree in the fall of 2007. I would love to have paid off my car (well, actually my grandmother). I hope to be more financially secure and stable. I pray that I'm wiser, stronger, and closer to God. I want to learn to accept and enjoy myself more, and to courageously offer 'Michelle' to those around me.

I'm excited to see what this year holds. And I'm so thankful for this day, where I can celebrate and rejoice with my friends, play a little laser tag, wear and shiny tiara and a heart-shaped Little Mermaid ring, and eat cake. I'm happy that I can celebrate me and invite everyone around me to join in. I hope I inspire others to love and rejoice in their birthdays as much as I do in mine!