So Much on My Mind
I know that I've kind of let my blog go by the wayside, and that's totally okay, really. But lately, I've got so many things to think about and pray about. And they're big, BIG things. Writing somehow helps me to empty my brain a little bit in tangible black and white. What can I say? -- I've always been a visual learner.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads of sorts in my life. I just celebrated (maybe not the right word?) my two-year anniversary of moving from England to America. I'll be turning 30 in just a few months. I took a big leap of faith and went on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic three weeks ago. For the first time in ten years, I have not lived in/visited England. Three months from now, I will have been a member at Otter Creek for two years. In less than that, two years will have passed since I started working in a doctor's office.
Today at work, a patient came in with her seven-month old baby. It seems like yesterday this patient was pregnant, and I was the novice MA doing her weight and blood pressure every week. I saw that adorable baby, and it freaked me out that seven months have flown by. I guess I feel that my life is running away from me, but I'm . . . stuck.
I'm really completely unsure what God is doing in my life these days. I can't even guess what He's planning next for me. I feel like this is a season of waiting and preparation in my life -- but for what? I kind of feel like I was closer to the answer seven months ago, and things are getting more hazy by the day (and sometimes by the hour). Since moving back from England and completely starting over with $5 in my pocket, I feel like I've been asleep, just going through the motions and whatever is expected of me like a robot. I have never felt more alive than when I lived in England. I think it's because I knew without a doubt why I was there and that God wanted me there and that I was needed there. Each day was important and purposeful and so, so . . . real. That probably sounds really cheesy and out there, but it's true.
I recently felt those feelings of aliveness when I went to the Dominican Republic. I felt awake and tuned in and turned on and all there. The hard part about coming back was that fear of falling back asleep and just drifting back into the old attitudes, habits and routines. For the first day, I still had that energy and vibrance. But by Day Two, when I got to work and started the daily drill, it had happened. I realized sometime around 10:28 a.m. that I was back on autopilot. I so don't want to experience life this way, like I'm a statue in a museum that gets to wake up and live for only a few hours at a time.
So, while I fight against this, I'm praying constantly for God's guidance and wisdom and direction. Truly, I know the opportunities are endless. I can pretty much do whatever I want, go wherever I want, achieve whatever I want. But what does God want? I may still be relatively young, but I know that God's plans are so much better than mine. I really would like to know what ideas He's got concerning my career, my relationships and my future.
I know that throughout life there will be seasons of waiting, of setting up camp for a time in a place that is maybe not ideal or spectacular. The Israelites did that on the way to Canaan. They did it again when God told them to put down roots in Babylon because they would be there awhile. I guess that's kind of what He's been telling me for the past two years. I can't honestly say the thought excites me much, but I did read something in my quiet time lately that gave me a glimmer of hope:
It is in times of waiting that you have the opportunity to proclaim your faith in God. Some people do not think they have time to wait for His guidance, but if you rush ahead of Him, you will miss a tremendous blessing. Waiting is not a passive activity. It involves an active faith, and it is necessary if we want to hear God's voice of instruction. ("Landmines in the Path of the Believer" by Charles Stanley).
I love that. Waiting precedes God's great blessings. God promises this in Isaiah 25:9, and I'm holding on to His promise in the mediocrity of daily life: "In that day the people will proclaim, 'This is our God. We trusted in Him, and He saved us. This is the Lord, in whom we trusted. Let us rejoice in the salvation He brings!'"
I feel like I'm at a crossroads of sorts in my life. I just celebrated (maybe not the right word?) my two-year anniversary of moving from England to America. I'll be turning 30 in just a few months. I took a big leap of faith and went on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic three weeks ago. For the first time in ten years, I have not lived in/visited England. Three months from now, I will have been a member at Otter Creek for two years. In less than that, two years will have passed since I started working in a doctor's office.
Today at work, a patient came in with her seven-month old baby. It seems like yesterday this patient was pregnant, and I was the novice MA doing her weight and blood pressure every week. I saw that adorable baby, and it freaked me out that seven months have flown by. I guess I feel that my life is running away from me, but I'm . . . stuck.
I'm really completely unsure what God is doing in my life these days. I can't even guess what He's planning next for me. I feel like this is a season of waiting and preparation in my life -- but for what? I kind of feel like I was closer to the answer seven months ago, and things are getting more hazy by the day (and sometimes by the hour). Since moving back from England and completely starting over with $5 in my pocket, I feel like I've been asleep, just going through the motions and whatever is expected of me like a robot. I have never felt more alive than when I lived in England. I think it's because I knew without a doubt why I was there and that God wanted me there and that I was needed there. Each day was important and purposeful and so, so . . . real. That probably sounds really cheesy and out there, but it's true.
I recently felt those feelings of aliveness when I went to the Dominican Republic. I felt awake and tuned in and turned on and all there. The hard part about coming back was that fear of falling back asleep and just drifting back into the old attitudes, habits and routines. For the first day, I still had that energy and vibrance. But by Day Two, when I got to work and started the daily drill, it had happened. I realized sometime around 10:28 a.m. that I was back on autopilot. I so don't want to experience life this way, like I'm a statue in a museum that gets to wake up and live for only a few hours at a time.
So, while I fight against this, I'm praying constantly for God's guidance and wisdom and direction. Truly, I know the opportunities are endless. I can pretty much do whatever I want, go wherever I want, achieve whatever I want. But what does God want? I may still be relatively young, but I know that God's plans are so much better than mine. I really would like to know what ideas He's got concerning my career, my relationships and my future.
I know that throughout life there will be seasons of waiting, of setting up camp for a time in a place that is maybe not ideal or spectacular. The Israelites did that on the way to Canaan. They did it again when God told them to put down roots in Babylon because they would be there awhile. I guess that's kind of what He's been telling me for the past two years. I can't honestly say the thought excites me much, but I did read something in my quiet time lately that gave me a glimmer of hope:
It is in times of waiting that you have the opportunity to proclaim your faith in God. Some people do not think they have time to wait for His guidance, but if you rush ahead of Him, you will miss a tremendous blessing. Waiting is not a passive activity. It involves an active faith, and it is necessary if we want to hear God's voice of instruction. ("Landmines in the Path of the Believer" by Charles Stanley).
I love that. Waiting precedes God's great blessings. God promises this in Isaiah 25:9, and I'm holding on to His promise in the mediocrity of daily life: "In that day the people will proclaim, 'This is our God. We trusted in Him, and He saved us. This is the Lord, in whom we trusted. Let us rejoice in the salvation He brings!'"
posted by Michelle @ 7:14 PM
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