Michelle the Grouch
I think it’s the week of the grumpies in Michellesville. Maybe it’s just the post-birthday blues. Maybe this is how it feels to be 28-years-old. Maybe it’s something deeper.
I don’t like feeling this way. I feel like a crusty, bitter, shriveled old woman. I feel like I’m mad at everyone and everything. I feel like the tiniest things are pushing me over the edge. And I don’t like it. Grrrrrrrrrr.
Yesterday was rough. And I feel like I’m still coping with the after-effects today. The sad thing is, nothing that upset me was all that big a deal. But the little things do add up.
I got lost driving around downtown Nashville yesterday during rush-hour traffic. I know I’m a driving wuss, but I feel like I come by it naturally (come on, I learned to drive in a town that has hitching posts for the Amish buggies at Wal-Mart and classmates drove tractors to school. Not to mention, I didn’t drive for five years while I lived in England). I was in an unfamiliar area, the cars behind me were getting angry (and vocal with their car horns), my car was overheating and the oil light was on, and the person I needed to answer their phone wasn’t. After ten minutes of this, I burst into tears. And not just, ‘Aw, look at that small, dainty tear seeping out of my eye’, this was ‘Holy Niagara! The dam just burst.’ I was sobbing and wailing and my vision was definitely obstructed. Turns out, I was only a block away from where I needed to be (which made me feel not only like a cry-baby, but also a complete moron). I’ve been thinking about this incident since then, feeling somewhat sheepish, but I know that it’s showing me something deeper about myself.
I need to take a break. I need to be still and quiet. I’ve been filling up my calendar with fun stuff, but neglecting to make time for what’s really important. I’m not a big people person at the best of times, but my job requires me to deal with needy people all day long. After work, I usually rush off to another social activity which is fun, but if I’m honest, inside I’m thinking about how tired I am, how I’ve put God on the back burner again, and how I need to do a million things when I get home before I go to bed. I feel guilty, rushed, exhausted (physically and emotionally), and basically, out of control. I’m not eating right, I’m not exercising right, I’m not sleeping right, and I’m most definitely not treating God right. Yes, my life is abundant, but not with the right things. I’ve filled it with shallow, fluffy, feel-good activities, but my heart is crying out for a deeper healing and filling. I’m busy, but empty at the same time. I think I may have written before about how I dislike who I’ve become since I’ve been back from England. And yet, I have no one to blame but myself. I’ve made my own decisions and choices and set my priorities. I can’t blame that on the culture here or my job or my friends.
I think of the woman I want to be, and I feel like I’m moving further and further away from her. I don’t know when I became so self-centered. I’ve realized that I don’t really take the time to listen to people anymore or ask them questions about their lives. It’s all about me and my drama. I want people to know and like me, but I don’t make the effort at getting to know and like other people.
The desire to change and grow and become a better woman is huge. I want it. I want to be the lily, and not the thorn. I want to be different and rare. But Satan is the master discourager. Right now, I’m believing him when he tells me how unattractive, how hopeless and how unnecessary I am. When I believe that I am not needed or wanted, I find myself more driven to pack my schedule as tightly as I can to somehow prove that yes, I am wanted and needed around here.
I was talking with a godly friend the other evening, and we talked about this very thing – how we use busyness as a drug to make us feel better about who we are and our current situations. We don’t trust God to give us what we need (friends, intimacy, true fellowship, purpose), so we say yes to every opportunity that comes along, even if we sense that opportunity may not be God’s best for us. It’s the whole concept of Matthew 6:33 – when we put God first and focus on making Him our top priority, He’ll fill in the rest. If I let go of the need to prove something to myself and the world around me, and just say, “Ok, God, I’m making You #1. I’m focusing on You, and letting You chose how to transform the rest of the my life,” He’s promised that He will. I can count on it.
Don’t know how many of you readers are still with me. This blog has evolved over almost an entire work day between patients and phone calls. It’s good to put my heart to words and see it in black and white.
And now, to end on a brighter note:
It’s Wednesday afternoon, which means the work week is half over. The weekend is getting closer by the minute!
There now, don’t you feel better?
I don’t like feeling this way. I feel like a crusty, bitter, shriveled old woman. I feel like I’m mad at everyone and everything. I feel like the tiniest things are pushing me over the edge. And I don’t like it. Grrrrrrrrrr.
Yesterday was rough. And I feel like I’m still coping with the after-effects today. The sad thing is, nothing that upset me was all that big a deal. But the little things do add up.
I got lost driving around downtown Nashville yesterday during rush-hour traffic. I know I’m a driving wuss, but I feel like I come by it naturally (come on, I learned to drive in a town that has hitching posts for the Amish buggies at Wal-Mart and classmates drove tractors to school. Not to mention, I didn’t drive for five years while I lived in England). I was in an unfamiliar area, the cars behind me were getting angry (and vocal with their car horns), my car was overheating and the oil light was on, and the person I needed to answer their phone wasn’t. After ten minutes of this, I burst into tears. And not just, ‘Aw, look at that small, dainty tear seeping out of my eye’, this was ‘Holy Niagara! The dam just burst.’ I was sobbing and wailing and my vision was definitely obstructed. Turns out, I was only a block away from where I needed to be (which made me feel not only like a cry-baby, but also a complete moron). I’ve been thinking about this incident since then, feeling somewhat sheepish, but I know that it’s showing me something deeper about myself.
I need to take a break. I need to be still and quiet. I’ve been filling up my calendar with fun stuff, but neglecting to make time for what’s really important. I’m not a big people person at the best of times, but my job requires me to deal with needy people all day long. After work, I usually rush off to another social activity which is fun, but if I’m honest, inside I’m thinking about how tired I am, how I’ve put God on the back burner again, and how I need to do a million things when I get home before I go to bed. I feel guilty, rushed, exhausted (physically and emotionally), and basically, out of control. I’m not eating right, I’m not exercising right, I’m not sleeping right, and I’m most definitely not treating God right. Yes, my life is abundant, but not with the right things. I’ve filled it with shallow, fluffy, feel-good activities, but my heart is crying out for a deeper healing and filling. I’m busy, but empty at the same time. I think I may have written before about how I dislike who I’ve become since I’ve been back from England. And yet, I have no one to blame but myself. I’ve made my own decisions and choices and set my priorities. I can’t blame that on the culture here or my job or my friends.
I think of the woman I want to be, and I feel like I’m moving further and further away from her. I don’t know when I became so self-centered. I’ve realized that I don’t really take the time to listen to people anymore or ask them questions about their lives. It’s all about me and my drama. I want people to know and like me, but I don’t make the effort at getting to know and like other people.
The desire to change and grow and become a better woman is huge. I want it. I want to be the lily, and not the thorn. I want to be different and rare. But Satan is the master discourager. Right now, I’m believing him when he tells me how unattractive, how hopeless and how unnecessary I am. When I believe that I am not needed or wanted, I find myself more driven to pack my schedule as tightly as I can to somehow prove that yes, I am wanted and needed around here.
I was talking with a godly friend the other evening, and we talked about this very thing – how we use busyness as a drug to make us feel better about who we are and our current situations. We don’t trust God to give us what we need (friends, intimacy, true fellowship, purpose), so we say yes to every opportunity that comes along, even if we sense that opportunity may not be God’s best for us. It’s the whole concept of Matthew 6:33 – when we put God first and focus on making Him our top priority, He’ll fill in the rest. If I let go of the need to prove something to myself and the world around me, and just say, “Ok, God, I’m making You #1. I’m focusing on You, and letting You chose how to transform the rest of the my life,” He’s promised that He will. I can count on it.
Don’t know how many of you readers are still with me. This blog has evolved over almost an entire work day between patients and phone calls. It’s good to put my heart to words and see it in black and white.
And now, to end on a brighter note:
It’s Wednesday afternoon, which means the work week is half over. The weekend is getting closer by the minute!
There now, don’t you feel better?
posted by Michelle @ 6:40 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home