Because you asked me to . . .

Maybe more people read my blog than I ever imagined. In the past couple of weeks, it has been brought to my attention a few times that I need to update my blog. Amazing! I thought that I was the only one aware of my lapse in blogging. So, this one is for all my faithful blog readers who have missed reading my jumble of thoughts/experiences/musings.

I feel like I'm going through a period of internal (hallelujah, not external) growth right now, and this is good. I kind of feel like my roots are going down deep into my faith, and this is affecting several other areas of my life. A few of my closest friends know that I have two "life verses". In my own thoughts and prayers, I refer to them a lot. One is Proverbs 3:5-6 -- Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. This verse has been my anchor since I moved to England way back in 2000, and I consider it at some point each day when I'm scared, when I'm sad, when I feel hopeless or discouraged. It always points me back in the right direction.

My other special verse is Song of Songs 2:2 -- Yes, compared to other women, my beloved is like a lily among thorns. I don't know when I was made aware of this particular verse, but ever since then it has had a profound affect on my ideas about who I want to be as a Christian, as a single woman, as a friend, as a employee/co-worker . . . as a woman, period. I believe with more conviction every day that I was not called to live a mediocre life. That has never been my ambition. I believe that God created me special and unique with a carefully-designed purpose in mind. I wish I believed this more deep down in my heart and really let it explode out of me in my daily living and thinking and speaking. It's easy to get caught up in "thorn" living: just doing the bare minimum, procrastinating and being lazy, thinking only of yourself, following the crowd, withdrawing in fear, settling for less than the best, doing what feels good even if it's not the right thing, worrying instead of resting in God, striving to impress others by being someone you know you're not. I fall into this category more often than I care to think about. Most of the time, being a thorn is easy, it's safe, even fun, it gets a reaction.

This verse has stirred up a passion in me to be the Lily. In a patch full of thorns, a lily is a beautiful, rare sight. It's soft and touchable and sweet. Ask anyone, "It's your choice. Do you want the lily or a thorn?" and the great majority of the time, it's likely the lily will be chosen. Thorns are good for keeping people out. They're prickly. They hurt. They're common. Lilies are clean and inviting and lovely. But they're rare. Solomon also wrote, A virtuous woman, who can find? She is worth more than precious rubies (Proverbs 31:10). A good woman is a treasure valuable and priceless because of her rarity.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, sometimes many times in a day. I pray, "Lord, make me the Lily and not the thorns." I want to be a different caliber of woman. I think of this when I want to say mean things to or about other people. I think about this when I want to be the center of attention or impress a particular person. I think about this when I've got various responsibilities to take care of, yet all I want to do is lay on the couch and do nothing. I think about this when I'm tempted to worry about never getting married, or running out of money, or what the future may hold. I think about this when I'm burning with jealousy or my heart aches with disappointment. I want to be the lily, and that means that sometimes I'm going to have to make the hard choices and the hard sacrifices.

Honestly, I've been dealing with some very deep, intense struggles in the past few months. I've had to confront some profound, sometimes overwhelming feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. I've had to take a hard look into my childhood and some wounding experiences that happened during those formative years of my life. I've had to contend with how I see myself and how I perceive others see me. There's been some yucky, yucky stuff I've been battling, and this random verse in Song of Songs keeps me going. It's like a hopeful beam of light shining out of darkness. These are refining times, the times that purify me and make me lily-white, lily-beautiful, lily-rare.

So, blog friends, I'm back with probably more than you ever cared to know about what's going on with me these days. I feel like I'm slowly growing, slowly changing, maybe even slowly blossoming into the Lily I am so longing to be.

A few less serious thoughts:
1. I'm going on a cruise in TWO MONTHS. I have to buy a swimsuit for the first time since high school. This could be traumatic. But still, I'm going on a CRUISE!
2. I'm falling in love with my job. Who knew that working with a bunch of hormonal woman could be so much fun?
3. My birthday is less than a month away. It's my last year as a 20-something. Just one year closer to being 34 (the age I'm so excited to be).
4. I can't decide which mission trip to go on this fall: Dominican or England. I'm drawn to both for very different reasons. Praying for God's leading and clarity, because it's a tough decision.
5. It's a sunshiney Sunday and I'm sitting inside. Soooo, I'm wrapping up this long blog and heading for the fresh air. Until next time, readers (and let's face it, who knows when that will be), Adieu!