After the last tear falls . . .

Today I attended a funeral. It might sound weird, but I had never met the person who had died. I only know her husband, and only a little at that!

When I signed on to do Homicide work with Victim Support, attending funerals of someone who has been murdered became part of my job. This was the second such funeral I've been required to attend. It's one of the hardest, most heart-breaking parts of my VS work.

It's hard because these people who were killed were relatively young. They both left behind young children and spouses who must adjust to life on earth without them. It's also difficult because they died cruelly, at the hands of someone else who killed them in cold blood. It's sad to see just how many people are affected by this loss -- the grieving friends, co-workers, neighbors, carpool buddies, workout partners.

But one of the biggest reasons I find attending these funerals so painful and difficult is that I feel my faith being shaken. I can almost hear the mourners hearts crying out: "Why? Why did he have to die?" "Why did it have to be her? She has a 7-year-old daughter to raise!" My heart cries out with them: "God, why did You let this happen? Where were you?" When I hear myself asking those questions, it kind of scares me. I like to believe that my faith in God is absolute, no matter what. It's times and situations like these that I see that my faith is not as rock-solid as I want to think it is.

Strangely, however, although I feel my heart crying out with questions and my faith being tossed around, I know with a complete certainty that God is good. Since working with Victim Support and hearing stories that most people think only happen in movies, more than ever I believe in God's goodness. In the middle of the raw emotions and the dark shadows of grief, the goodness of God shines out with a steady, unquenchable light. It's like the lighthouse that guides me through the storms that rock my faith.

The reason I believe that God is absolutely, with-out-a-doubt good is because I see every day just how evil this world is. It's kind of like the law of opposites: you can't have an up without a down; you can't have hot without cold; you can't have loud without soft. You cannot have extreme evil without having something equally, if not more, good. Only God can be that extreme, absolute good.

One of my favorite Bible verses is Psalm 62:11-12a. David wrote, One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that You, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. David had seen some nasty things in his life, yet he still believed in the strength and love of God. That verse gives me such hope and peace. God's goodness is something I can hold to in any storm.

As I sat through the funeral today, I had a desire to watch the movie The Passion of the Christ. Although I can and do read about Christ's crucifixion and resurrection in the Bible, as a very visual learner, this movie made Jesus' death so real to me. I wanted to watch it today to remind myself that Christ's death defeated death once and for all. That his strength and love has won, proving his goodness in the ultimate way.

There is a amazingly beautiful song by Christian artist Andrew Peterson from his Love and Thunder CD. Today it encouraged me to leave my "why?"s and "where?"s and how?"s in God's hands, and to cling to His goodness while my faith wavers and questions. No matter how evil and dark this world becomes, God's love and goodness will win. It will be what's still standing in the end. I finish this blog with some of the song's lyrics:

After the last tear falls,
After the last secret's told,
After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone;
After the last child starves,
and the last girl walks the boulevard
After the last year that's just too hard,
There is Love . . .

After the last disgrace,
After the last lie to save some face,

After the last brutal jab from a poisoned tongue;

After the last dirty politician,

After the last meal down at the mission,

After the last lonely night in prison,

There is Love . . .

After the last plan fails,
After the last siren wails,
After the last young husband sails off to join the war;
After the last "This marriage is over,"
After the last girl's innocence is stolen,
After the last years of silence that won't let a heart open,
There is Love . . .

And in the end,
the end is oceans and oceans of Love and Love again
We'll see how the tears that have fallen
Were caught in the palms
of the Giver of Love and the Lover of all
And we'll look back on these tears as old tales

After the last tear falls,
There is Love