Fear

I'm scared. No, really, I'm terrified. In the pit of my stomach, is a feeling so heavy and dark and sickly, it can only be fear. I don't know who reads my blog. Maybe no one, or just one or two people. Even if no one ever reads it, maybe it's still good to give words to what's frightening me most these days.

The silly thing -- and the annoying thing -- is that the answer is so obvious: TRUST GOD. I know this. I want to do this. I'm trying to do this. But a little part of me is saying, "I've been praying about this for months, yet He doesn't seem to be listening. But He must be, so why isn't He doing something?" I'm even scared to admit that a part of me believes there's no point praying about it anymore. It won't make any difference.

You see, dear readers, who ever you may be, my financial situation is dismal. I don't have enough to stay in England much more than a couple of months. My monthly support is covering my bills -- but there's not much left over, not enough to live on. This week I got some surprise bills -- big ones -- final bills from my flat that I had no clue would be coming. I called the companies; I've got to pay them. I have a small savings account that was supposed to be for emergencies or extras. This is an emergency, and my account is dwindling rapidly.

In situations like these, I know God must be trying to teach me something. But what? Is He telling me that maybe I should leave, that I've overstayed my welcome? I have a difficult time believing that. Is He trying to teach me to be like Paul, to live on nothing and to rejoice all the way through it? I'm sure that's part of it. Or is He begging me to trust Him, to seek His kingdom first and to believe that He'll provide the rest? As ashamed as I am to admit it, and as annoyed as I am to admit it, that's probably it. He wants me to trust Him. Great.

It's so hard. I'm looking at the bills I've got to pay this afternoon and my bank balance, and I'm frightened. I feel like I've asked, practically begged everyone I know to consider supporting me. Angie has contacted people for me. The church here has given me everything they can afford and then some. I feel stuck and hopeless . . . and I don't know what else to do.

Please pray with me and for me that I'll trust God without wavering right now, that He'll honor my requests and raise some support for me. It's embarrassing asking for money, but if you know anyone -- yourself, friends, family members, a singles' ministry or a Bible study group that could help me, it would be hugely appreciated.

Thanks for reading! Have a great day!