Elvis in the Loo

DominiBlogging

2007-11-24T16:02:00.000-08:00

This afternoon as I write, it’s cold and rainy here in Tennessee. I’ve put on sweats and made a nice afternoon cuppa tea (some English habits die-hard!). The weather today is totally different from the beginning of October when I, along with 14 others from the Otter Creek Church of Christ, spent eight days in the Dominican Republic.

I was nervous to the point of feeling terrified leading up to this trip. I honestly was looking for any excuse not to go. I don’t enjoy heat. I don’t enjoy not having electricity and/or running water. I especially do not enjoy creepy crawlies and spiders that look like small mammals! And, of course, there was the challenge of my very limited (three-word) Spanish vocabulary. I just did not know how I would survive eight whole days in the Dominican.

Our week was split into two different parts. When we arrived (and I stepped out of the airport into the sticky Dominican heat), we were driven to a small village in the middle of nowhere called Bobita. The surrounding countryside is gorgeous (think Jurassic Park; after all, it was filmed in the DR), and riding into the village on our noisy, bright blue truck/bus, the villagers stood on porches and in doorways to wave and greet us. In Bobita, there is a school, a Christian camp (which was our lodging), and a children’s home, run by Cory and Laura Beth Lamb who had moved in from the U.S. a couple of months previously. In Bobita, there are also lovely, friendly people, beautiful children and livestock of various forms roaming around. I was truly a long way from Nashville!

We were welcomed to the camp by TJ and Holly McCloud, missionaries supported by Otter Creek, and los Pescadores, the shoeshine boys TJ and Holly minister to in Rio San Juan. The boys graciously hauled our luggage to the sleeping areas, where all manner of large insects were waiting (to welcome us, perhaps?). I have to be honest and say that when I saw our cabin had no electricity, mosquito nets over the beds, and spiders the size of my hand, I felt my heart sink. How would I survive this experience?

Saturday evening, we played games with the Pescadores, an interesting and challenging experience for me because I speak no Spanish. Getting ready for bed by candlelight and hearing people scream when they encountered gigantic insects . . . well, that first night, I felt terribly discouraged. I truly believed that God had directed me to go to the Dominican, that He had something to teach me on the trip, and that I had something to offer . . . but maybe I had heard Him wrong?

Sunday was worship with the villagers and the Pescadores. Even though the whole service was in Spanish, I still felt blessed by it somehow. Later, we took the boys to the river to play . . . and suddenly, amidst the water fights and smearing mud all over each other, words didn’t matter so much anymore. Children love to have fun, and they love adults who want to have fun with them. I love children, and I love to have fun. I could do this! My spirits started to take an upturn.

Monday, we all climbed aboard the big blue bus, and headed back to Puerto Plata, the city we had landed in. This was the day I had feared most of all. In the morning, we would visit the hospital to sing, pray and distribute care packages. In the afternoon, we would visit the people who live in the dump, and pass out food, drinks and Bibles. I don’t know why I was so terrified. After all, I work in the medical field and see some pretty unpleasant things on a daily basis. Maybe it was the horror stories the previous year’s team had told of the horrifying conditions of the hospital and the stench of the dump. It had definitely put me on edge. I had prayed so much about this day, that I knew whatever strength I had would absolutely not be my own.

When we arrived at the hospital, we climbed off the bus and started dividing into two groups: one to visit the men’s ward, and one to visit the women’s. We would then go to the children’s ward together. As we were gathering our care packages, a man approached me, my sister and another teammate. He began speaking in French. No one else around knew what to do, but suddenly, my three years of high school French came in handy. His wife was in the women’s ward, and he wanted us to visit her.

The hospital we visited in Puerto Plata is a public hospital. The wards are split into large rooms filled with a dozen or more cots. The patient’s family is responsible to provide food, bedding and other basic necessities; they also must buy medicine, or else the patient won’t receive any. Every doctor in the DR must work one day each month without pay in a public hospital; therefore, the care a patient receives may or may not be the best quality. I went to the men’s ward, where we prayed over patients, sang some songs in Spanish, and gave out small care packages filled with soap, toothpaste and toothbrush, a washcloth and shampoo. Many patients had family members with them . . . but some did not. It was dirty and hot, but those people were so thankful we were there. Even if we prayed with them in English, they were thrilled.

We then went to the children’s ward and passed out coloring books and crayons along with the care packages. The Dominican children are so beautiful, and they were so glad to have anything we could give them.

Finally, a few of us went to the nursery to see the babies. It was amazing to see babies in incubators that were open and exposed, where anyone could walk in and touch them and breathe on them. I met one woman who was staying with her twin grandbabies who had been born the day before. The mother had already been sent home because there was no room for her. It was the only time I cried the whole trip. I work in a rich area (even by American standards) with people who have everything. When my patients have their babies, they are born into a world of luxury and excess . . . and yet these babies had nothing. We have so much here in America, and yet we complain and whine and demand more.

After the hospital, we went to the dump outside the city. It’s hard to put into words the sights I saw there. The people who live in the dump gathered around and we took turns singing to each other. Once again, my French came in handy, because many of the people living there are from Haiti and speak Creole. There was one man, who came to meet us carrying a Bible. He wanted us to know that he is a Christian, and that he is telling the people he lives with in the dump about Jesus. We passed out Creole Bibles and food and more care packages. The whole scene was almost unbelievable.

Tuesday, we visited the school in Bobita, and taught two sessions on hygiene. Our lesson was about germs, and why washing your hands and brushing your teeth is so important. We also taught a couple of songs (one of my teammates teaches music), along with the Chicken Dance, which they thought was pretty hilarious.

On Wednesday, our team moved to Rio San Juan, the city where TJ and Holly work. Rio San Juan is on the north coast of the Dominican. We were reunited with the Pescadores and taken to our hotel, which seemed like the Hilton after the camp in Bobita! The electricity was still iffy, and there was no hot water, but it was on the beach and it was clean (and I didn’t see large bugs lurking anywhere).

We visited a small school in Rio San Juan that day . . . an open-aired school made of wood and cardboard. Another lesson in germs, some more Chicken Dance and a few rounds of Heads Up, 7 Up. The children were so wonderful, and the teachers were so appreciative.

TJ and Holly have been in the DR for just over a year, and they have an incredible ministry to the children of RSJ. Their apartment is behind a small building that is sometimes called ‘the coffee shop’ (not sure why; they don’t serve coffee there, and it’s not a shop!). It’s more like a small community outreach center. The children congregate on the small porch until they open the doors, and then there’s music and games and fun . . . which is exactly what happened on the Wednesday night we were there. We also split into three teams and did a photo scavenger hunt all over the town. We had to take photos with a cat, a baby, in a boat, holding hermit crabs, doing the human pyramid, with a fish, riding a bike, on a motorcycle, with everyone’s feet off the ground, among other things. What crazy fun! Those kids had us running all over Rio San Juan, alarming some residents (and one very terrified cat, let me tell you!). I also really enjoyed the scavenger hunt because it gave us Americans a peek into the home lives of the kids. We got to see some of their houses and neighborhoods (one had sewage running down the middle of it). It was amazing to get a glimpse of how they live.

On Thursday, our team went to paint a house for a family in the poorest district of Rio San Juan. Painting houses is not just for cosmetic enhancement, it protects the wood from termites and the elements, thereby keeping the wood in good shape for a much longer time. A family of eight (with another due only days after our visit) lived in the small 20 by 30-foot house. We also finished the roof. Only half of the house had been roofed; the materials for the rest of the roof would have cost the family a year’s wages. Our team raised the money to cover the remainder of the house, giving the family more livable space. We even had enough paint to paint two other houses nearby. It was one of the highlights of the trip for everyone, and all the neighborhood children came out and helped (and also threw small crabs on us where weren’t paying attention, gross!).

Thursday afternoon, we hosted a craft and game time at the outreach center. The Pescadores and Princesas (the group of girls Holly has recently started working with) made necklaces, photo frames, and played some pretty competitive Twister. Afterwards, we had some free time to explore the town, for which the children acted as willing and enthusiastic tour guides.

Thursday evening, Holly had turned the photos from the scavenger hunt into a fantastic slide show (and thankfully, the electricity supply cooperated). It was our last official time with the kids, so there were many hugs, more photos and some tears. We hated to say adios.

Friday was our official day off. Most of the team went to an amazing beach, where they enjoyed kayaking, hand-caught fish and time in the sun. Five of us went to 27 Charcos, an hour-and-a-half from Rio San Juan. This is a natural wonder, deep in the Dominican forest, of 27 waterfalls and underground caves. You hike, swim and climb up the waterfalls, and then . . . you jump down them to get back. Yes, that’s right. You jump off the waterfalls. Now, I’m not a super-athletic person. I’ve also never rockclimbed, repelled or even taken a dive off of a diving board before. So whatever possessed me to do this, I cannot say. I think since I was terrified of the trip in general, I was determined to face any fears I had in a big way. All in all, the waterfall adventure was the most terrifying and most exhilarating thing I’ve ever done. I paid for it dearly in the following days (talk about muscle-ache), but it was a God-given boost of trust and strength and confidence. Amazing! I would do it all over again . . . but wear much better shoes!

TJ and Holly had organized our final team devotional of the week at a cliff overlooking the beach at sunset. It was a special time of reflection and sharing and thanksgiving and worship. We were all tired – physically, emotionally and mentally – but we were all so thankful. I felt alive and full.

On Saturday morning, we walked out of our hotel to board the big blue bus one final time for our trip to the airport, and found a big group of the Pescadores waiting for us. During our time in Rio San Juan, whether we were walking to the outreach center, walking to the hotel, or walking to the restaurant that cooked our meals for us, these kids would find us. It was so humbling, but they loved us, and wanted to be with us . . . even if most of us couldn’t speak their language. That last morning, we cried and prayed with them and gave them whatever random food we had. We left them crying outside the hotel, and it was horrible.

The eight days I spent in the Dominican Republic changed my life. All my previous missions experience was in first-world English-speaking countries, which is hugely important. I think I’ll always be drawn to that kind of ministry, because I feel like I’m gifted to work in those cultures. However, I believe it was so important for me to see and experience a country that, by first-world standards, is very poor. It’s incredible all we take for granted here in America: we can turn on a tap and instantly have hot water and water that we can safely drink; we flip a switch anytime of the day or night and a light comes on; our closets are overflowing with clothes and shoes; we don’t have to cook our food over a fire; we have a roof over our heads, and our homes consist of more than just one room. The Dominicans have very little, but I saw so much joy in them. They don’t care about fancy cars, the latest digital camera, the newest Ipod. I came back to America thankful for all God has given me . . . even the car I drive that was built 14 years ago. It just doesn’t matter.

Before we left for this trip, each member of our team was challenged to choose a Bible passage that they would claim as ‘their verse’ for the week. A few weeks before our departure, I came across Psalm 91 in my daily quiet time, and I felt like God told me this was for me:
Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare of the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God, and I am trusting Him. For He will rescue you from every trap and protect you from the fatal plague. He will shield you with His wings. He will shelter you with His feathers. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor fear the dangers of the day, nor dread the plague that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday . . . If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you, no plague will come near your dwelling. For He orders His angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you with their hands to keep you from striking your foot on a stone . . .” Psalm 91:1-6, 9-12 NLT

God really made those promises real to me in the Dominican. He kept us safe from harm. I didn’t get sick; in fact, no one on our team was sick. He protected me from the creepy-crawlies. He gave me rest each night under my mosquito netting. I wholeheartedly believe He sent angels to protect me on the waterfall adventure. He truly provided me with strength and safety and shelter in the moments I needed Him most that week.

The Dominican Republic is a beautiful country with warm, friendly, welcoming people. I pray I’ll have the opportunity to return someday for longer than just eight short days. I’m starting to take a Spanish class next week so I can hopefully say more that just “hello”, “goodbye”, and “how are you?”. I miss the children, and I pray for them daily. I hope that someday in the future, I’ll be back in Rio San Juan, chasing terrified cats, singing devo songs in Spanish and doing the Chicken Dance with them.

So Much on My Mind

2007-10-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

I know that I've kind of let my blog go by the wayside, and that's totally okay, really. But lately, I've got so many things to think about and pray about. And they're big, BIG things. Writing somehow helps me to empty my brain a little bit in tangible black and white. What can I say? -- I've always been a visual learner.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads of sorts in my life. I just celebrated (maybe not the right word?) my two-year anniversary of moving from England to America. I'll be turning 30 in just a few months. I took a big leap of faith and went on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic three weeks ago. For the first time in ten years, I have not lived in/visited England. Three months from now, I will have been a member at Otter Creek for two years. In less than that, two years will have passed since I started working in a doctor's office.

Today at work, a patient came in with her seven-month old baby. It seems like yesterday this patient was pregnant, and I was the novice MA doing her weight and blood pressure every week. I saw that adorable baby, and it freaked me out that seven months have flown by. I guess I feel that my life is running away from me, but I'm . . . stuck.

I'm really completely unsure what God is doing in my life these days. I can't even guess what He's planning next for me. I feel like this is a season of waiting and preparation in my life -- but for what? I kind of feel like I was closer to the answer seven months ago, and things are getting more hazy by the day (and sometimes by the hour). Since moving back from England and completely starting over with $5 in my pocket, I feel like I've been asleep, just going through the motions and whatever is expected of me like a robot. I have never felt more alive than when I lived in England. I think it's because I knew without a doubt why I was there and that God wanted me there and that I was needed there. Each day was important and purposeful and so, so . . . real. That probably sounds really cheesy and out there, but it's true.

I recently felt those feelings of aliveness when I went to the Dominican Republic. I felt awake and tuned in and turned on and all there. The hard part about coming back was that fear of falling back asleep and just drifting back into the old attitudes, habits and routines. For the first day, I still had that energy and vibrance. But by Day Two, when I got to work and started the daily drill, it had happened. I realized sometime around 10:28 a.m. that I was back on autopilot. I so don't want to experience life this way, like I'm a statue in a museum that gets to wake up and live for only a few hours at a time.

So, while I fight against this, I'm praying constantly for God's guidance and wisdom and direction. Truly, I know the opportunities are endless. I can pretty much do whatever I want, go wherever I want, achieve whatever I want. But what does God want? I may still be relatively young, but I know that God's plans are so much better than mine. I really would like to know what ideas He's got concerning my career, my relationships and my future.

I know that throughout life there will be seasons of waiting, of setting up camp for a time in a place that is maybe not ideal or spectacular. The Israelites did that on the way to Canaan. They did it again when God told them to put down roots in Babylon because they would be there awhile. I guess that's kind of what He's been telling me for the past two years. I can't honestly say the thought excites me much, but I did read something in my quiet time lately that gave me a glimmer of hope:

It is in times of waiting that you have the opportunity to proclaim your faith in God. Some people do not think they have time to wait for His guidance, but if you rush ahead of Him, you will miss a tremendous blessing. Waiting is not a passive activity. It involves an active faith, and it is necessary if we want to hear God's voice of instruction. ("Landmines in the Path of the Believer" by Charles Stanley).

I love that. Waiting precedes God's great blessings. God promises this in Isaiah 25:9, and I'm holding on to His promise in the mediocrity of daily life: "In that day the people will proclaim, 'This is our God. We trusted in Him, and He saved us. This is the Lord, in whom we trusted. Let us rejoice in the salvation He brings!'"

Swimsuits, anxiety and blue trucks: a blog of this and that

2007-06-11T18:51:00.000-07:00

Swimwsuits. I leave for my cruise in less than a month! In preparation for this, I am now the apprehensively proud owner of a Land's End tankini. The top, ehhn, well, it's okay, but it's the skirt that I'm crazy about. It's like a little trendy cheerleading/tennis skirt, and I kind of want to wear it everywhere I go, even to work. It's probably a blessing that my legs are as pale as they are; if they were browner, the temptation to wear my swimsuit skirt all over Nashville would be pretty tough to resist.

Anxiety. Well, as much as I love my swimsuit, I'm not sure how much I love seeing it on my body. I'm kind of nervous about other people seeing it on my body. Let's face it, I'm not a high school cheerleader anymore.

I know that the important thing is that I'm going to Mexico on a gigantic boat. I'm going to see Mayan ruins overlooking the Caribbean. I'm going to have a break from work drama. I'm going to see lots and lots of water. That's what I need to focus on. Compared to all that water, my thighs look pretty small!

Blue Trucks. Ok, this is weird. There's a guy in my apartment complex who drives a blue truck. He's cute, although I think he might be fresh out of college. The weird thing about this story? Well, we always leave at the same time every morning. Whether it's a work day or a church day, we seem to always get in our cars at the same time. Often, our cars (well, my car, his blue truck) are parked beside each other. Even weirder, our work places and churches are just blocks apart. I've followed this guy to church and work (not purposely; I'm not the stalking type). We always kind of look at each other every morning, make eye contact, get in our vehicles and follow each other to wherever we're headed that particular day. I call him Blue Truck Boy (creative, right?), and I think we might be destined for friendship. If I were a braver person, I'd say hey, and assure him that I am, in fact, not stalking him. It is only coincidence that I follow him everywhere he goes. I think this is all very funny and cute. It makes me happy to see him get in his car as I get in mine. It's like he's my little driving friend. Maybe one day we'll actually, gasp, speak, and I'll learn his name and no longer need to refer to him as Blue Truck Boy.

One final thought for this random blog: is there anything better than being a redhead?

Birthday Blog

2007-06-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me . . .

You get the idea.

Today is my 29th birthday. I'm happy to announce that everyone at work yesterday was shocked when I told them how old I would be. One of my co-workers (who is now my best friend) told me that she honestly and seriously thought I was turning 21. Really and truly.

God bless her.

I guess I have my parents to thank for my youthful genes. I can only hope and pray that when I turn 49 some wonderful person will declare that they were sure it was my 29th birthday.

If I had to title my 28th year, I would call it "Light at the End of the Tunnel." My 27th year was the hardest I've ever lived due to leaving England, encountering reverse culture shock, alternating between hiding my grief and allowing myself to grieve, and starting over in a big city with a job for which I really felt no love or attraction. I would call my 27th year "Trial By Fire." It was intense, consuming, painful, and I believe that God used it to melt me down and cleanse me of some of the junk in my heart. My 28th year has been a growing year and a year where the sun began to burn through the clouds. It's been kind of like coming up for a big breath of fresh air after being underwater for a scarily long time.

I feel like I've started to grow into myself this year, something I have prayed for fervently for as long as I can remember. I've never felt comfortable being me because, I've realized, I'm not sure who I really am. My whole life I've tried to be a person who I perceived everyone would love and adore. Over the past months, the longing to just be ME and to be that person well has slowly started to overtake the desire that everyone adore me. Of course I want everyone to like me, but realistically, that's just not going to happen. So, this past year, I think that I've started to explore who I really am as a person deep, deep down inside. This search has revealed some pleasant surprises and also, some not so pleasant ones. I'm horribly selfish, easily annoyed with people, frustratingly shy, scared to let people get close to me, prone to pity-parties, and inclined to use my painful past as an excuse for why I live with a victim's mentality all these years later. BUT, I've also realized that I am generous, considerate, longing to let people get close to me, tenderhearted, and I deeply love God and want Him to reign in my life even if it means giving up some bad habits and getting out of my comfort zone. I think, finally, praise God, I've learned that I am a good and worthy and loveable person, but that I will constantly fight this battle with Satan until the day I die and will need to rely on God AND the people He places in my life to be victorious.

Being the goal-setter that I am, I'm praying about a few dreams I'd like to see this year before I turn 30 (Thirty!!).
1. I'm starting my pre-requisities for nursing school this week! I'd like to have those completed so I can start nursing school full time when I'm 30. I'm excited, because I'm a nerd and I love school, and I've secretly missed it since graduating from college seven years ago. However, this time around, I'm working full-time and have other commitments at church, so it could get tricky. Also, this time around, I'm paying for it. Ouch!
2. I appreciate Hamish, my little ancient gold Saturn, but I really am praying for a new car this year.
3. Spiritually, I'd like to go deeper with God. I wholeheartedly believe (and enjoy the fact) that fellowship with other Christians is essential for spiritual health, but I think I've focused more on being popular with other people at church this past year instead of falling more in love with the Lord. Again, I've tried so hard to be the person everyone likes, instead of being who God created me to be. I'm praying that by the time next June 2 rolls around, I will have matured more in this area.
4. I want to be more brave. I'm a scaredy cat the majority of the time, and I'm tired of it.
5. I want to celebrate life more, to be more thankful for the little things that give life sparkle and shine. I want to enjoy living, even if my life isn't the picture I have in mind for my dream life. God is still good, so life still has goodness in it.
6. My big financial goal this year is to save up enough money to take a grand 30th birthday trip to England and to Greece next summer. This is not going to be easy because my money is very stretched right now. But I want this badly, and I know with some extra discipline, it's totally possible. So, maybe next birthday when I blog, I'll be doing it from the other side of the ocean!

Because you asked me to . . .

2007-05-06T11:36:00.000-07:00

Maybe more people read my blog than I ever imagined. In the past couple of weeks, it has been brought to my attention a few times that I need to update my blog. Amazing! I thought that I was the only one aware of my lapse in blogging. So, this one is for all my faithful blog readers who have missed reading my jumble of thoughts/experiences/musings.

I feel like I'm going through a period of internal (hallelujah, not external) growth right now, and this is good. I kind of feel like my roots are going down deep into my faith, and this is affecting several other areas of my life. A few of my closest friends know that I have two "life verses". In my own thoughts and prayers, I refer to them a lot. One is Proverbs 3:5-6 -- Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. This verse has been my anchor since I moved to England way back in 2000, and I consider it at some point each day when I'm scared, when I'm sad, when I feel hopeless or discouraged. It always points me back in the right direction.

My other special verse is Song of Songs 2:2 -- Yes, compared to other women, my beloved is like a lily among thorns. I don't know when I was made aware of this particular verse, but ever since then it has had a profound affect on my ideas about who I want to be as a Christian, as a single woman, as a friend, as a employee/co-worker . . . as a woman, period. I believe with more conviction every day that I was not called to live a mediocre life. That has never been my ambition. I believe that God created me special and unique with a carefully-designed purpose in mind. I wish I believed this more deep down in my heart and really let it explode out of me in my daily living and thinking and speaking. It's easy to get caught up in "thorn" living: just doing the bare minimum, procrastinating and being lazy, thinking only of yourself, following the crowd, withdrawing in fear, settling for less than the best, doing what feels good even if it's not the right thing, worrying instead of resting in God, striving to impress others by being someone you know you're not. I fall into this category more often than I care to think about. Most of the time, being a thorn is easy, it's safe, even fun, it gets a reaction.

This verse has stirred up a passion in me to be the Lily. In a patch full of thorns, a lily is a beautiful, rare sight. It's soft and touchable and sweet. Ask anyone, "It's your choice. Do you want the lily or a thorn?" and the great majority of the time, it's likely the lily will be chosen. Thorns are good for keeping people out. They're prickly. They hurt. They're common. Lilies are clean and inviting and lovely. But they're rare. Solomon also wrote, A virtuous woman, who can find? She is worth more than precious rubies (Proverbs 31:10). A good woman is a treasure valuable and priceless because of her rarity.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, sometimes many times in a day. I pray, "Lord, make me the Lily and not the thorns." I want to be a different caliber of woman. I think of this when I want to say mean things to or about other people. I think about this when I want to be the center of attention or impress a particular person. I think about this when I've got various responsibilities to take care of, yet all I want to do is lay on the couch and do nothing. I think about this when I'm tempted to worry about never getting married, or running out of money, or what the future may hold. I think about this when I'm burning with jealousy or my heart aches with disappointment. I want to be the lily, and that means that sometimes I'm going to have to make the hard choices and the hard sacrifices.

Honestly, I've been dealing with some very deep, intense struggles in the past few months. I've had to confront some profound, sometimes overwhelming feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. I've had to take a hard look into my childhood and some wounding experiences that happened during those formative years of my life. I've had to contend with how I see myself and how I perceive others see me. There's been some yucky, yucky stuff I've been battling, and this random verse in Song of Songs keeps me going. It's like a hopeful beam of light shining out of darkness. These are refining times, the times that purify me and make me lily-white, lily-beautiful, lily-rare.

So, blog friends, I'm back with probably more than you ever cared to know about what's going on with me these days. I feel like I'm slowly growing, slowly changing, maybe even slowly blossoming into the Lily I am so longing to be.

A few less serious thoughts:
1. I'm going on a cruise in TWO MONTHS. I have to buy a swimsuit for the first time since high school. This could be traumatic. But still, I'm going on a CRUISE!
2. I'm falling in love with my job. Who knew that working with a bunch of hormonal woman could be so much fun?
3. My birthday is less than a month away. It's my last year as a 20-something. Just one year closer to being 34 (the age I'm so excited to be).
4. I can't decide which mission trip to go on this fall: Dominican or England. I'm drawn to both for very different reasons. Praying for God's leading and clarity, because it's a tough decision.
5. It's a sunshiney Sunday and I'm sitting inside. Soooo, I'm wrapping up this long blog and heading for the fresh air. Until next time, readers (and let's face it, who knows when that will be), Adieu!

The end of blog furlough . . .

2007-01-24T11:10:00.000-08:00

Dun, dun, dun, DAHHHHH!

I'm back to blogging, and I feel like I've got so much to say. Not so much for others to read it, but just to get it off my chest, out of my mind, from thoughts and feelings to black and white Times font.

The breakthrough came today. I've been trying to get into my blogger dashboard for a couple of months now, but couldn't remember my user name and/or password. The gods must be smiling on me today, because here I am. Somehow, one of my user name/password combo worked. Now if I can only remember which one. . . .

I can't believe that my last post was in July! That's half a year ago, which obviously means things have changed, experiences have been had, and life has moved on with or without my sporadic blogging. Thank goodness.

This is long overdue, but here you go, Tiff. I'm finally responding to your blog tag!

Three things -

That Scare me: apathy, complancency and large insects
People who make me laugh: my sister, Zach Braff, and one of the doctors I work with
I hate: uncomfortable shoes, tomatoes, and not being able to fall asleep at night
I don't understand: mathmatics that involve fractions, why I feel the need to spend a huge portion of my paycheck that day I get it, and people who never follow through on what they say they will do (ok, I fall into this category, too, from time to time)
Things on my desk: three bags of Goldfish crackers, a huge Diet Coke, and a headset that I never wear
I'm doing right now: blogging after a six month hiatus, answering the phone everytime it rings (because no one else in the office will), listening to the Faith Hill CD that's on our stereo for the millionth time today
I want to do before I die: travel as often as possible, go back to school, live in another country again
I can't do: play any stringed instruments, put air in my tires, work an Ipod
I think you should listen to: constructive criticism, CLEAN music (because, let's face it, whatever you listen to will get stuck in your head), and Mozart/Bach/Beethoven every once in awhile
You should NEVER listen to: mean-hearted criticism, ignorant people, and not-so-clean music (see above)
I'd like to learn: moderation, how to be God-ruled, not emotion-ruled, and how to say no (which kind of links to moderation, doesn't it?)
Favorite foods: peanut butter, broccoli and pasta
Beverages: Pepsi Max (which I'm UK-side), Starbucks Hot Chocolate, and PG Tips every morning
Shows I watched as a kid: Voltron, Small Wonder (anyone remember this one?) and Punky Brewster

Blog Stew

2006-07-25T11:54:00.000-07:00

After my ranting last week in my doctor’s office etiquette blog (which, I do sincerely hope that my readers learned something), I am simply going to toss out a random mix of my life in recent days.

1. It’s been stinking hot lately. Grotesquely hot. Happily, it cooled down significantly this weekend, but the temperatures are rising again. I am not made for this kind of smothering heat and humidity. I was even thinking about winter this morning, of winter coats and warm sweaters. And, yes, of Christmas. Autumn is actually my most favorite time of year, when the air is cool and crisp and it smells like falling leaves, and I’m happy to know that it’s just a couple of months away.

2. I have recently rediscovered the joys of animal crackers and jello. Both are cheap, and not too horribly bad for you. And, identifying what the ‘animals’ actually are in the 98 cent Wal-mart bag is actually quite amusing!

3. Hard core yard-salers freak me out. Who really is passionate about getting out of bed at 5 a.m. on a Saturday?

4. I've realized lately (and really, I believe the Holy Spirit has something to do with this) that I am not a kind person. Some people are naturally kind and compassionate and 'nice.' I do not fall into this category. I think I'm kind to people I enjoy and like, but the people I don't know (and especially who I dislike), I barely treat with courtesy. I notice this particularly at work. Patients drive me crazy, and I know I've been -- to my shame -- downright rude sometimes. I feel like God is bringing this to my attention, and I need to work on this in a big way. Part of the fruit of the Spirit is kindness, and it scares me that I'm not seeing that particular 'fruit' in my life.

5. The tires (I feel weird not spelling ‘tires’ ‘tyres’ as the English do) on my car need air. I do not know how to take care of this. I own a tire gauge, and I actually do know how to use it. In fact, I can check the air pressure in my tires all by myself . . . but I’m not sure about the whole putting more air in my tires part. In theory, I know how to put air in my tires, but I’m nervous about doing it. I’m afraid I’d put too much air in and they’d explode in the gas station parking lot. Sometimes I really wish I had some close guy friends who would be willing to do the masculine things a girl’s got to do occasionally.

6. I get to go to Atlanta in a couple of weeks to see a Braves game. Am I excited? Heck, yes!

7. I just read an article online about the world’s most expensive home. Said home is close to Windsor Castle in England, and is valued at 75 million pounds ($130 million area). It has 103 rooms, five swimming pools, and a 100 plus-seat ‘screening room.’ That is not a house – it is a luxury hotel.

8. Guys who wear ‘random glasses’ are hot.

9. JT and I spent an hour on the elliptical machines at the gym yesterday.

10. And finally, because I realize this blog really has no point, I will leave you with this word of advice: A great way to enter a room is to do a forward roll. Don’t ever underestimate the power of a somersault.

Doctor's office etiquette

2006-07-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

In today’s blog I would like to share some doctor’s office etiquette. As someone who checks-in and speaks to well over a hundred patients a day, I feel fully qualified to advise on this topic. Some people walk in our office and don’t have a clue how to act, thus annoying me and my colleagues. I can’t speak for the nurses, of course, but I can speak for those of us on the administrative side of things.

Lesson 1: When you get to the check-in window, I prefer it if you sign in rather than state your name, your appointment time and which doctor you will be seeing. Some people might be surprised to know that I have both a paper and electronic schedule in my possession. I know who you are and where you need to go whilst in our office. The people scheduled for an ultrasound are the worst. They feel the need to emphasize multiple times that they are having an ultrasound, as if I didn’t know we had an ultrasound facility in our office. Now, some check-in persons may prefer patients to say their name, etc. I, however, do not. Mostly because I am in the process of checking other patients in. There is such a thing as information overload. So, sign in, please!

Lesson 2: Closely related to this, please sign in and SIT DOWN! I hate it, hate it, hate it when a patient signs in and then starts handing me her insurance card, credit card and asking if there is anything for her to fill in. This usually happens when I already have five other patients waiting to be checked in before her. If you see that the receptionist is busy with a zillion other things, sign your name and have a seat. She will call you when she can focus on you and acquire the information that she needs. Some patients get this partially right. They sign in, sit down, and then decide a few minutes later to get up, come over to my window and give me whatever she thinks I will need. So close, but not quite right. Be patient. The check-in person will be with you in a couple of minutes.

Lesson 3: Along the lines of ‘be patient’ . . . BE PATIENT! Let’s think about this for a moment. You are a “patient” . . . so act like it! Doctors and nurses and even the clerical staff in the office are all busy. This means that you might have to wait longer than anticipated. This does not mean that the doctor has forgotten you and gone to lunch. This does not mean that the check-in person forgot to check you in and is filing her nails. This means that you will be attended to as soon as possible. I have to say that I feel really bad when I see people sitting in our waiting room for more than ten minutes. Right now, we have a couple sitting in front of me who have been waiting for almost 45 minutes. I feel terrible. The nurse feels terrible. We are doing the very best we can. In this business, we have emergencies. Especially in the OB world where doctors are called in the middle of the work day to rush off to deliver a baby. Sometimes surgeries run late due to complications. I hate having to tell people that the doctor suddenly had to leave and won’t be back until tomorrow. Please be thoughtful. Just think, it could be you or your wife or other family member having that baby or laying on the operating table someday.

Lesson 4: If you have to fill in paper work, don’t complain. If you want your insurance claim to be filed properly and your test results reported back to you, smile, take the clipboard and do the necessary paperwork.

Lesson 5: Make sure you write down your appointment, and make sure you write it down correctly. This morning, we had three patients show up who were not supposed to be here. Now, I’ll admit, us office staff make mistakes. It’s possible we told them the wrong day. However, I also know that patients make mistakes, too. I would rather someone call and confirm their appointment time, then show up on the wrong day and then throw a fit because the doctor cannot possibly see them.

Lesson 6: And while we’re talking about appointments . . . It drives me crazy when people call, expecting us to get them in tomorrow. It rarely works that way. If the appointment scheduler tells you that they have absolutely nothing available for the next two weeks, please believe her! If it’s an emergency, that is a totally different story, but if it’s something that can wait for a couple of weeks, do not try to guilt and/or blackmail the scheduler into doing your bidding. They do this for a living and know how much the doctors can handle on a given day. If you know you will need to see the doctor within the next month, book it early, or don’t complain when you can’t get the exact time and day you want.

Lesson 7: If your address, phone numbers, last name or insurance has changed (or if you have a new insurance card), please tell someone before you leave the office! We need updated information at which to contact you and to file your claim with insurance. We have many, many patients who call to complain that they received a bill they should not have . . . and by the way, their insurance changed and they forgot to mention it while they were here. Ooops! But remember, as in Lesson 2, do not hand your new insurance card to the check-in person until they have indicated they are ready to take it.

Lesson 8: Finally (although I could expound more), above all, be kind to the administrative staff in your doctor’s office. They are the ones who will ultimately get you in to see the doctor. I enjoy helping the patients who are always kind and understanding. I do not go out of my way to work my magic for the patients who are rude, obnoxious, impatient or demanding. Treat the clerical people (and nurses) with as much respect you treat your doctor. It’s amazing how patients are rude to the admin people and the nurse, but then are as smooth as butter to the doc. At the end of the day, you will likely have more contact with everyone else who works in the office than you will with the physician. They are the ones who make seeing the doctor possible. P.S. They also really like cookies/chocolate/donuts/other sweet treats.

I know this blog might sound petty and it’s probably also boring. I’ve written it mostly to vent . . . work has been pretty crazy and irritating lately. Of course, the opinions expressed in this blog are mine, and therefore, other people who work in a doctor’s office may see things totally differently.

A Bit of This and That

2006-07-10T14:30:00.000-07:00

It’s the beginning of a new work week, and I have a feeling it’s going to be a busy one. Today is the last day with only one doctor here, so I’m taking advantage of the relative calm and quiet.

First up, World Cup. Sat down with a few friends yesterday to watch the finale between France and Italy. At the start, I genuinely didn’t care who won – I just wanted to watch some hardcore football. However, after the bizarre late-in-the-game headbutt by Zidane, I was 100% Italy. Glad they won. Sad the World Cup is over for another four years. Maybe I can save up my pennies and see it live in South Africa in 2010. Wouldn’t that be something! (P.S. What is up with Zidane winning the Golden Ball award? Italy #5, you were robbed!!)

Saw the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie on Saturday night. It was long. It was confusing. The special effects were pretty amazing. Johnny Depp looks good in eyeliner. The twists and turns and loose ends made me excited to see how it all turns out in movie number three.

My book suggestion for the week: Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner. This is her memoir of converting to Orthodox Judaism and then converting to Christianity. Excellent, though-provoking, humbling read. I highly recommend it!

Yesterday was such an amazing day for me – a true spiritual feast. First of all, the Sunday morning worship was really that. Worship. I was reminded how awesome and praiseworthy God is. I was convicted that I have not been seeking Him first in my life lately and have, instead, been incredibly self-seeking. I was convicted that I needed to make things right with a couple people in my life, and I pray I’ve done that since then. I was convicted that I’ve become lazy and almost too comfortable with where I’m at spiritually. I so do not want to become lukewarm – yet, I see that I may have become just that.

Last night at singles’ group, this month’s married couple talked about love and respect. I was reminded of some of those important and often confusing differences between men and women. Men want respect. Women want love. Every man has an inner ‘superhero’ – they imagine scoring the winning touchdown and saving the day and going on dangerous adventures and winning their Beauty. Every woman has an inner princess – she wants to be the Beauty, she wants to be wooed and won and fought for, and she wants to join her superhero on his daring quest.

I love how God created male and female – so much alike, yet so different, each demonstrating a different aspect of God’s perfect character. I love that men and women need what each other has to offer and are drawn to it.

I was also reminded that I need to have a better, more optimistic attitude toward people in general. As the married woman said last night, I need to believe that people have ‘thoughts of good will’ toward me. I often over-analyze and believe people hate my guts, even though I have no consistent evidence to back this up. I tend to latch on to the worst, instead of choosing to believe the best.

Finally, can I reasonably believe people will love me if I’m not being lovable? There’s always those rare few who will love me know matter what (i.e. parents), but generally, if I’m not a lovely person, I can’t expect people to genuinely love me. It’s kind of like that old proverb: “If you want a friend, be friendly.” It’s a reminder that a little bit of loveliness goes a long way.

And now, a few fun facts to close today’s blog:
**I am now addicted to the Sam’s Club flavored sparkling water. The key lime flavor is my favorite.
**I get to house sit for our sonographer when she goes on vacation next month. She owns two dogs and three birds.
**Right now, I’m really hungry. The chicken noodle soup at lunch just didn’t do the trick.
**I’m really craving Moulin Rouge. I haven’t seen it in ages, and I’m starting to feel withdrawal. Dear Ewan, Do not fear. I haven’t abandoned you. I will see you soon. Love, Michelle
**Lastly, only 40 minutes to go, and this Monday at work is done!

Rainy Wednesday thoughts

2006-07-05T09:13:00.000-07:00

It’s a rainy Wednesday morning, the day after July 4th. I confess, I did not want to get up and come to work this morning. Today is perfect sleeping weather. Perfect. Aaand . . . well, I may have stayed up a little too late on Monday evening playing Spades. Guess I’m still catching up. Ah, well. ‘Twas worth it.

Today, I strayed from tradition and wore a skirt to work. This is a rare and momentous occasion. I usually do not show my legs in public, which makes me sound rather Victorian or Amish. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I feel like they’re just not tan enough. Maybe it’s because I think my calves look bulky and too muscular to appear feminine. Maybe it’s because I did my fair share of skirt-wearing when I was a cheerleader in high school. Maybe I’m just too lazy to . . . nah, won’t go there. We’ll just leave it at that. Maybe I’m too lazy.

So, there it is. I’m wearing a skirt today in public, and I feel kind of awkward and unsure about it. Like, are my legs frightening anyone out there? Or am I just being paranoid?

On the plus side today, I had some fabulous e-mails waiting for me when I got to work. I heard from friends all over the world, which made this gray, drippy morning more bright and cheerful. Do you remember life without e-mail? I sincerely believe it’s one of the greatest inventions ever.

I’m getting on my own nerves lately. I’m really bothering myself. Am I the only person this ever happens to? I don’t know what my deal is, but I’m not being who I really am at all. I feel like I’ve become very fake, shallow and generally extremely selfish. I’m craving the admiration and attention of others so much that I’m obsessing about details that don’t really, truly matter. I keep asking myself why this is. What am I really desiring? Why does what other people think of me matter so stinking much? Why am I acting differently, prioritizing differently, even dressing differently to an extent?

I see this, a few of my friends have commented on this, and yet I continue to strive for signs of approval. Will I ever get to the point in my life where being ‘Real Michelle’ is all I want to be despite the opinions of others?

Moving on to something a little less deep and a little more cheerful. There is now a copy of Newsies sitting on our living room bookshelf at home. This movie makes me giddy, and I haven’t seen it in YEARS. What could be better than a young Christian Bale dancing and singing, “Open the gates and seize the day”? I mean, really?

Ok, this is weird. I have a new addiction that’s really surprising. Iced tea. Yep, you heard me right. Cold tea. Having spent a summer in Australia, and five years in England trained me to love, love, love a hot cuppa tea. Tea on ice eventually because something, well, not right. I don’t know what has happened to me, but suddenly I’m in love with a huge glass of iced tea sweetened with Splenda. I am drinking it by the gallons, which is pretty much okay because 1) Tea is good for you; it’s an antioxidant; 2) It is a great source of hydration (the kind I drink is caffeine free); 3) It is basically calorie free; and 4) It’s yummy. Just don’t tell my British friends I’ve been converted.

The Week in Review

2006-06-30T11:45:00.000-07:00

Here I sit at my desk Friday afternoon at the office. We've pretty much been sans doctors for three days, and for the most part the office has been calm and quiet, plus I had yesterday afternoon and this morning off. It's been a good week indeed.

I feel like this week has been a good balance of busy and relaxing. I've had work and social activities, but also some excellent 'park time' spent with God. I've spent some wonderful time with friends, but I've also had some great time by myself. I feel good inside, and on the outside my tan is progressing very nicely!

After my last couple of blogs which have been composed after some deep soul searching, I'm going to keep this one lighter and share some simple moments of the week that have impacted me, be it for good or ill.

1. In Harry Potter news, J.K. Rowling admitted that at least two characters will perish in the seventh and final H.P. book. This has struck a chord worldwide with the millions of devoted Harry fans . . . myself included. Who will the two fatally wounded characters be? Speculation is rife these days, and I have read some of these predictions on the internet. In my opinion, I hope and pray it's not any of the three main characters (as in Harry, Ron or Hermione) -- especially Ron, because, let's face it, I've always had a bit of crush on him.

2. I tried out a new LUSH bath product this week: Pop in the Bath. Glorious smell and loads of bubbles. Tres gorgeous!

3. On Wednesday, I tragically dropped a two-hole puncher on my nearly naked besandled foot. Ouch! I now have a beautiful battle wound on my left foot under my big toe. It's amazing the injuries office equipment can inflict.

4. And finally, to my utter joy (and surprise), I found out that I can purchase online, episodes of my favorite cartoon show of all time: Voltron. I was just starting school when this show aired, and my first romance was with Keith of the Red Lion. I truly didn't distinguish that he was merely a cartoon character, and was only really alive in my imagination. I pretty much did a whole project about him for school in first grade. And yes, I did own a toy Voltron 'doll.' I was hardcore! And now, I can be reunited with this wonderful Japanimation show -- all 72 episodes can be mine for $100. Could this be the price of true love?

I told you that this was not a deep blog, and you can see that I wasn't lying! Among all these shallow, insignificant thoughts, I've also had many thoughts and discussions about what's real and true and important. A balanced week, indeed.

Final shoutout: Go Team England! I will be watching you tomorrow morning bright and early while I drink my hot, British tea.

Accumulated Thoughts from the Weekend

2006-06-27T10:49:00.001-07:00

Monday afternoon at the office. It’s a bit of an unusual week. Two of our docs are leaving Wednesday for vacation, meaning that things are a little bit wild around here. Today hasn’t been too insane (just typical Monday stuff, actually), but I’m wondering if tomorrow everyone will be in panic mode. It might get ugly. Looking forward to some time off toward the end of the week.

First of all, let me just say how excited I am that England is still in the World Cup! And, I’m even more excited that their next match is Saturday morning, which means I will finally get to see my boys play again. I can’t wait to park myself on the sofa, proudly wearing my Beckham football shirt, and cheer on my team. I heart football (Americans call it ‘soccer’), and I heart England. I’m super enthused!

I feel like this past weekend was a spiritual feast. On Saturday, I finished reading Every Woman’s Battle by Shannon Ethredge. Overall, it was an interesting book, but something Stephen Arterburn wrote in the afterword really grabbed my attention and held on tight.

The battle for emotional and sexual fulfillment is not an easy one because life is full of disappointments. For some women, every day is an invitation to live in a fantasy world that has no match in reality. So if you are married, you must live each day purposefully focused on building a bond with your husband that grows stronger over time, even through tough seasons . . . If you are single – whether never married, divorced or widowed – you have a different assignment. You must build a stronger, more intimate bond with God. This bond can produce such fulfillment and connection that you will never feel that you are incomplete as a single person. God’s plan for you is a rich and abundant as His plan for married women.

I love that. It inspires me to live out my purpose as an unmarried daughter of God. This is prime time for seeking Him, learning Him, chasing Him. I so often forget that God is the creator and author of romance, and right now, this very minute He is romancing me. Me! He is asking me to get to know Him. He is calling me to come closer, to go deeper with Him.

Sunday evening at our singles’ life group, a married couple from our church spoke honestly and practically about different things they wish they had done before they got married to better prepare themselves for the marriage relationship and for their roles as husband and wife. After basically captivating us for almost an hour, they finished their discussion with a challenge: write down five things we could do now to improve our lives, and then share them with someone who will hold you accountable for pursuing those five things. After what I read on Saturday, this seemed like the next natural step for living out my God-given purpose as a single woman.

I’ve been considering this challenge the past couple of days (by the way, it’s now Tuesday at the office), and my list has grown to more than five. But lest I overwhelm myself, I think I will stop there and share them with my faithful (few) readers.

Six things I need to do now that will improve my life. By Michelle.

1. Pursue my purpose. I truly believe that God created me to help those who are grieving. I learned this when I worked with crime victims in England. For a year, I worked with people who had an immediate family member murdered. Obviously, this was hard, emotional work, but one day, it was like a light bulb came on. I knew this is what God made me to do. In England, I could have started my career in this, but here in America, I’ve got to head back to school. My goal is to start in autumn 2007. If this truly is the Lord’s plan for my life, He’ll provide all I need to do this.

2. Live by my budget. Ok, I’ve had a budget for years. In England, I had to strictly adhere to it. Since I moved back to America, I’ve not done nearly as well. I’ve made all kinds of excuses, but the bottom line is, I’ve become somewhat irresponsible with money. I know that needs to change.

3. Take better care of my physical body. I don’t eat nearly as well or exercise nearly as much as I should. I’ve always loved working out, but again, I’ve made far too many excuses to be sedentary. In England, I walked everywhere and cooked almost every night. I was very healthy. Now, I can feel myself getting lazier and fatter. Bleh. This is not how I want to look on the outside or be on the inside. This is the only physical body I’ve got, and I need to take much better care of it.

4. Learn to be comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I’ve made huge progress in the past couple of years when it comes to knowing and liking myself. However, one of my greatest struggles has been and continues to be comparing myself with other women. This causes jealousy, envy, bitterness, ungratefulness, self-pity and a general lack of self confidence. I’ve never measured up, and I never will. I have got to stop playing the comparison game, because I’ll never win and relationships will be torn apart because of it. I want to know Michelle, believe that I am an amazing woman of God, and confidently share that woman with the people in my life and the world around me.

5. Become more outreaching. I want to be known as an encourager, not a discourager. I want people to be happy to see me coming their way. Over the past several months, I have become more and more self-centered. I see this in myself, and it makes me really sad. I want to bless people and not drain them. I want to add to their lives, not take away. Often I want to drop people a card or an e-mail or invite them over to hang out or get coffee. I don’t know what holds me back. Fear, probably. It’s that whole “if I reach out to you, are you going to reject me?” I need to be brave and spread the love!

6. Finally, I want to develop the heart of an adventurer. I want to explore life and love it and soak it up. I want to try new things and have new experiences. I want to be a sensual person – one who smells, tastes, hears, sees and touches life to the full. I want to see the world and learn and grow. I don’t want to wait until I’m married, have a newer car, or a job I passionately love to thoroughly and exuberantly enjoy life.

This is, by far, probably the longest blog I’ve ever written. If you’re still reading this, bless you, and please do hold me accountable to these goals. I think I’ve mostly recorded all of this for me, to get my thoughts out where I can see them. Obviously, I need to break these goals down even more and consider how they will practically look in my life. But most of all, I’ve got to start living them right now.

Today's excitement (with a devo thought thrown in)

2006-06-20T12:09:00.000-07:00

Today's exciting news: I thought a patient was going to jump over the counter and beat me up. Apparently there was a mix-up in communication. She thought that because she doesn't have insurance, we said we'd pay for her pregnancy. What?! Are we the nicest, most generous doctor's office in the universe? NO! We are not. She was very unhappy when I -- followed by the office manager -- told her that, no, she will either get insurance or pay several thousand dollars from her own pocket. Good times.

We also had a patient show up today in labor. Now, this is not hugely unusual here, but this woman was the furthest into labor I've ever seen. Funnily enough, she told me she was NOT going to the hospital unless the little guy stuck his head out and waved. Five minutes later, she was leaving our office, going to -- guess where -- the hospital. Of course. I could've told her that her baby was about to drop out on the floor, and I'm no nurse. Maybe she has something against Tuesdays or June 20th or something.

So, exciting times here at the OB/GYN office, but that's not what I really intend to write about this afternoon.

I have a set of 31 index cards in my car, each one with a Bible verse that really encourages me, challenges me, inspires me, etc. There's one for each day of the month (with a couple extra some months, of course). Before I get out of my car and walk into the office, I read my 'verse for the day' and think about it for a quick moment. Today's verse has become very, very important for my life. It's the verse that I want to live up to.

Song of Solomon 2:2 -- Yes, compared to other women, my beloved is like a lily among thorns.

I'll confess, I'm a bit obsessed with this verse. I think about it a lot. It's kind of my measuring stick -- am I a lily or a thorn?

Lilies are beautiful, soft, inviting, lovely. You just kind of want to touch them and look at them and bury your face in them. They make people happy and freely offer their beauty. And they smell good, too! In contrast, thorns are prickly, sharp, unattractive, and kind of send the message: 'Get back! Stay away!' Thorns are not approachable. They can be painful.

There are days when I am most definitely a thorn. Probably more days than I care to admit.

I believe the point Solomon was trying to make with this verse was that his beloved was not only beautiful, soft, inviting, encouraging, and lovely, she was rare. She stood out from the other women he saw and knew. There was something different about her. She had that je ne sais quoi.

I want to be the lily. I want to be rare and unique and different. I don't want to be like everyone else, just another thorn.

The challenging thing is, being the lily is not easy. That's why they're rare. It's far, far easier to just follow the crowd and do what everyone else is doing, to get comfortable with the status quo. I fall into that category a lot, sadly. I take the easy, pain-free, what-comes-natural-to-me way out. But deep down, my heart longs to do what it takes to be the lily. It will mean sacrifice and leaving the comfort zone. It might mean ridicule from the 'thorns' around me. And I've found that surrendering to God is never a painless procedure. I have a feeling that becoming the lily is kind of like the process it takes to purify gold and silver -- hot, intense, cleansing, and ultimately, transforming.

This week's hits and misses

2006-06-16T11:37:00.000-07:00

Friday afternoon at the office. Quiet. Peaceful. Kind of boring.

My stomach is full of Orange Peel Chicken from Pei Wei (courtesy of my sister), and my work is done. I'm here until 4 to answer the phones and do the deposit.

It's been an interesting week. I feel like I've dealt with such an extreme range of emotions, stayed up far too late pretty much every night, and neglected time alone with God and myself for reasons which can be more correctly termed as poor excuses.

But overall, this week hasn't been too bad. Actually, it's been . . . well, I just wrote it in the preceding paragraph: interesting. Here are some of the highs and lows of the past seven days.

HITS
** My new haircut is cute. Really cute. Even the doctors here complimented me on it (and I feel like that is near miraculous).
** The gorgeous sunshiny weather day after day after day.
** Pay day. Need I say more?
** Working out at the gym last night with Jen. We braved it and tried out some of the weight machines. And it's fun to go to the gym with a friend.
** I was introduced to Eddy's Limited Edition Butterfinger ice cream this week. Which basically means I was introduced to heaven in a bowl.
** I was also introduced to High School Musical, which is sheer joy and cheesiness all wrapped up into a 96 minute long movie.
** I had 'park time' twice this week. Bliss.
** I heard from some of my far-flung friends via e-mail: Andrea in Japan, Joanne/Victoria/Lydia in England, and Kevin in Scotland.

MISSES
** The over-abundance of extremely high-maintenance patients this week. Is it the full moon, or what?
** I had to pay my car insurance today. Boo. (But, hallelujah, God provided).
** I bought a cute new shirt, but I think it fits me all wrong. I'm wearing it today, and I'm starting to feel awkward about it. Hmmmm . . .
** Lack of sleep (but I have only myself to blame).
** Unhappy e-mails from people who I wish had been brave/considerate enough to speak to me in person.

I am so excited about sleeping in tomorrow. I'm kind of afraid our maintenence men will decide 7 a.m. Saturday morning would be the perfect time to mow the grass. Praying not.

Sunday is my praise team debut at church. I am nervous, and trying to not to think about it.

It's been a great week. I'm praying for an even more fabulous weekend!

Winding down the work week with a few factazoids on Friday afternoon

2006-06-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

Last night, my sister and I watched 'King Arthur: The Director's Cut.' In England, where I was living when it came out, I was told to never, ever watch it. Aside from the fact that Clive Owen and Ioan Gruffedd are both super manly and hot and have lead roles, I now understand why I was instructed to avoid said movie. While beautifully shot, it was somewhat confusing and flat and abrupt. So there. Today's free movie review by Michelle.

I heart Vitamin Water. Have you tried it? It's yummy, and it makes me feel like I'm doing something healthier than drinking soda (even diet ones) all the time. Sometimes plain water just doesn't cut it! However, I do wonder if Vitamin Water is really beneficial at all. In fact, one of the doctors saw me drinking it the other day and read the bottle. He, too, wasn't sure it was really as healthy as the VW marketeers would like me to think. Alas, I think I'll live in this water fantasy world a bit longer -- I really quite enjoy the stuff! Plus, it is sold in organic/health food shops. Surely it can't be all that bad.

Today I am getting my hair cut . . . by a man. I've never had a male hairdresser before, and I'm slightly nervous about this new experience. Yet, at the same time, I'm also intrigued. And excited about having a new do.

This week, I've made an effort to read more, and I'm glad that I have. Currently, I am reading Emily Ever After -- a cute, light-hearted, Christian chic-lit novel, which is great for winding down before bed. It's funny and witty and makes me feel happy.

On a more serious note, I am reading Every Woman's Battle as part of my 'quiet time'. This book is about a woman's struggle for sexual integrity -- physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It's interesting to really break down what it means to have sexual integrity and purity. Believe me, I was way more aware of my thoughts last night as I watched Clive and Ioan!

It's 3 p.m. Only an hour to go! Tomorrow I get to go to a dodgeball tournament -- my first one ever! I'm excited to see what this is all about.

Happy weekend to all and to all a good Friday!

Michelle the Grouch

2006-06-08T06:40:00.000-07:00

I think it’s the week of the grumpies in Michellesville. Maybe it’s just the post-birthday blues. Maybe this is how it feels to be 28-years-old. Maybe it’s something deeper.

I don’t like feeling this way. I feel like a crusty, bitter, shriveled old woman. I feel like I’m mad at everyone and everything. I feel like the tiniest things are pushing me over the edge. And I don’t like it. Grrrrrrrrrr.

Yesterday was rough. And I feel like I’m still coping with the after-effects today. The sad thing is, nothing that upset me was all that big a deal. But the little things do add up.

I got lost driving around downtown Nashville yesterday during rush-hour traffic. I know I’m a driving wuss, but I feel like I come by it naturally (come on, I learned to drive in a town that has hitching posts for the Amish buggies at Wal-Mart and classmates drove tractors to school. Not to mention, I didn’t drive for five years while I lived in England). I was in an unfamiliar area, the cars behind me were getting angry (and vocal with their car horns), my car was overheating and the oil light was on, and the person I needed to answer their phone wasn’t. After ten minutes of this, I burst into tears. And not just, ‘Aw, look at that small, dainty tear seeping out of my eye’, this was ‘Holy Niagara! The dam just burst.’ I was sobbing and wailing and my vision was definitely obstructed. Turns out, I was only a block away from where I needed to be (which made me feel not only like a cry-baby, but also a complete moron). I’ve been thinking about this incident since then, feeling somewhat sheepish, but I know that it’s showing me something deeper about myself.

I need to take a break. I need to be still and quiet. I’ve been filling up my calendar with fun stuff, but neglecting to make time for what’s really important. I’m not a big people person at the best of times, but my job requires me to deal with needy people all day long. After work, I usually rush off to another social activity which is fun, but if I’m honest, inside I’m thinking about how tired I am, how I’ve put God on the back burner again, and how I need to do a million things when I get home before I go to bed. I feel guilty, rushed, exhausted (physically and emotionally), and basically, out of control. I’m not eating right, I’m not exercising right, I’m not sleeping right, and I’m most definitely not treating God right. Yes, my life is abundant, but not with the right things. I’ve filled it with shallow, fluffy, feel-good activities, but my heart is crying out for a deeper healing and filling. I’m busy, but empty at the same time. I think I may have written before about how I dislike who I’ve become since I’ve been back from England. And yet, I have no one to blame but myself. I’ve made my own decisions and choices and set my priorities. I can’t blame that on the culture here or my job or my friends.

I think of the woman I want to be, and I feel like I’m moving further and further away from her. I don’t know when I became so self-centered. I’ve realized that I don’t really take the time to listen to people anymore or ask them questions about their lives. It’s all about me and my drama. I want people to know and like me, but I don’t make the effort at getting to know and like other people.
The desire to change and grow and become a better woman is huge. I want it. I want to be the lily, and not the thorn. I want to be different and rare. But Satan is the master discourager. Right now, I’m believing him when he tells me how unattractive, how hopeless and how unnecessary I am. When I believe that I am not needed or wanted, I find myself more driven to pack my schedule as tightly as I can to somehow prove that yes, I am wanted and needed around here.

I was talking with a godly friend the other evening, and we talked about this very thing – how we use busyness as a drug to make us feel better about who we are and our current situations. We don’t trust God to give us what we need (friends, intimacy, true fellowship, purpose), so we say yes to every opportunity that comes along, even if we sense that opportunity may not be God’s best for us. It’s the whole concept of Matthew 6:33 – when we put God first and focus on making Him our top priority, He’ll fill in the rest. If I let go of the need to prove something to myself and the world around me, and just say, “Ok, God, I’m making You #1. I’m focusing on You, and letting You chose how to transform the rest of the my life,” He’s promised that He will. I can count on it.

Don’t know how many of you readers are still with me. This blog has evolved over almost an entire work day between patients and phone calls. It’s good to put my heart to words and see it in black and white.

And now, to end on a brighter note:
It’s Wednesday afternoon, which means the work week is half over. The weekend is getting closer by the minute!

There now, don’t you feel better?

Confessions of a 28-year-old

2006-06-02T12:19:00.000-07:00

Bon Anniversaire a moi!

Gone are my days as a youthful 27-year-old. I have now officially entered the world of someone in their 'late 20s'. And, you know what? It's not bad at all!

How has this, my 28th birthday, been so far? Well, at midnight, I was serenaded by my three spades-playing companions, Lesley, Aaron and Cory. It made me think back to a year ago, when, at midnight, I opened one gift with my then roommate Angie, my friend Graham called to be the first person to wish me happy birthday, and I was sitting in my kitchen in England. It's funny to think that the people I was with at midnight this morning, I didn't even know a year ago when I was hanging out in Loughborough.

Got to work this morning (after only five hours of sleep, thanks spades buddies), and my front desk mate Megan had made me a card with Dr. Jack from LOST on it, accompanied by a bag of chocolate-covered peanuts (this girl is very observant!), and another card which is perfect for me. It reads: "If you're not going to SNORT, why even laugh?" I heartily agree with the sentiments!

Work has been busy today, but there was plenty of cake left from yesterday, and then post-lunch, a special treat: my friend Melody brought me a gift I had been longing for all day -- a glamorous tiara to go with my gaudy Chuck-E-Cheese jewelry! Said tiara also had matching plastic earrings and a purple fluffy boa! But that wasn't all! Also in the gift bad was Ben & Jerry's ice cream! Gorgeous! And then it got even better: homemade magnets of John Krasinski/Jim Halpert. Ahhh, perfection!

I love celebrating on my birthday. I used to not care or want anyone to know. Thankfully, God woke me up to the fact that He made me, created me, and welcomed me to the world on June 2, 28 years ago. He's blessed me and given me so much for which to be thankful. That's worth celebrating -- LIFE is worth celebrating!

On my birthday, I like to engage in a little reflection -- examining the past year, and setting some goals for the next one. It's amazing to think that a year ago, my life was so different: different job, different friends, different vocabulary, different transportation, different country. I feel like I've had to grow and stretch and almost become a whole new person over the past twelve months. I look back over the year, and I'm proud of myself. Yet, I know it's God who deserves the credit. It's incredible to think that He numbered the days of my life before I'd lived even one of them. This past year held no suprises for Him; He was perfectly able to guide me through it.

Where do I want to be a year from now on my 29th birthday? What do I hope to accomplish before my next birthday? I would love to be in the position to start my master's degree in the fall of 2007. I would love to have paid off my car (well, actually my grandmother). I hope to be more financially secure and stable. I pray that I'm wiser, stronger, and closer to God. I want to learn to accept and enjoy myself more, and to courageously offer 'Michelle' to those around me.

I'm excited to see what this year holds. And I'm so thankful for this day, where I can celebrate and rejoice with my friends, play a little laser tag, wear and shiny tiara and a heart-shaped Little Mermaid ring, and eat cake. I'm happy that I can celebrate me and invite everyone around me to join in. I hope I inspire others to love and rejoice in their birthdays as much as I do in mine!

The joys and aftermath of skee ball . . .

2006-05-31T11:23:00.000-07:00

Who knew that playing 40 games of skee ball is actually similar to doing an hour's worth of aerobic exercise? I didn't -- until this morning when I woke up feeling like I had worked out for the first time in months. Skee ball obviously uses muscle groups that no other activity does!

Last night, my roommate and I went to Chuck-E-Cheese with my cousin, his wife, and their two children. I'm a little bit obsessed with skee ball . . . and with winning as many tickets as possible so as to procure a stash of cheap plastic junk that I will throw out by Sunday. As a result of my 40 games of skee ball, I won 222 tickets which 'purchased' me some rather fine jewelry from the Chuck-E-Cheese gift shop. I am saving said jewelry to wear on my birthday just two days hence. I know it will be a hit with all the patients at the office!

I'm almost 28-years-old and not ashamed that I still get a thrill when I win tickets at Chuck-E-Cheese. I think that some people might find this odd -- like the young man running the gift shop last night. My roommate and I were clearly quite excited about our horde of tickets and the worthless pieces of junk we accumulated! And there's nothing wrong with that!

Today at lunch, I didn't look at my chair before sitting down, and suddenly wished that I had. Courtesy of yesterday's monsoon, there was a puddle of water lurking in the chair, just waiting to make it look like I had a bit of an accident. It's been an hour and a half, and I still haven't dried out. Awkward, is all I can say.

My birthday is just two days away! I'm so excited that it falls on a Friday this year. I can be quite obnoxious on my birthday -- I tell everyone about it, and I'm hoping to wear a tiara to work on Friday (along with my super fab Chuck-E-Cheese jewelry!).

So, just to pour my heart out there a bit . . . I'm really homesick for England these days. I actually ache inside that I'm not there. Five years of life feels like a dream, and that makes me deeply sad. Maybe because I've been remembering my birthday last year and how awesome it was (probably my best birthday as of yet). I miss my friends, especially Joanne. I miss the country itself. I'm enjoying my life in Nashville, and I'm thankful for the friends I've made, but somedays I feel so . . . wrong here. Like I lost a big part of who I am when I flew away from England last year. I miss 'English Michelle.' She was so passionate and enthusiastic and purposeful and . . . alive. I feel like she's fading away, and I'm not sure I like 'Nashville Michelle' at all. She seems very materialistic and nervous and lazy and self-centered . . . shallow. I feel like I'm not connecting with people here at all -- that I'm not making a difference in their lives, that I'm not blessing people the way I want to be blessing them. I want so badly to be a godly woman, to be the lily among the thorns. I guess these days I feel so much like a thorn -- all prickly and sharp and uninviting and unattractive. I know life in England wasn't perfect, and I know ME in England wasn't perfect, but at least I knew why I was there and that I was making a difference. I'm still asking God why He brought me to Nashville and it still isn't clear. Waiting times can often become discouraging, even if they are growing times.

Didn't mean to get all soppy and intense all the sudden! Sometimes I feel like my blogs are manic-depressive. They certainly run the whole gamut of emotions. Gamut . . . hmmm . . . now that's a great word!

Thoughtless on Thursday

2006-05-25T10:51:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon, dear readers! What's up with the weather today? Stormy one minute, the next, the sun is blazing in all it's glory. I just don't get it.

Speaking of weather, it was stinking hot yesterday. Hhhhhhot! I felt like the heat was smothering me. I couldn't breathe. I seriously felt like I was going to pass out. Ew. And it's only May. I don't know what's going to happen later on in the summer. I'll probably be hibernating in an air conditioned building somewhere. This Ohio girl who just spent five years in a country that doesn't have humidity is not conditioned for Tennessee summers!

Ok, this is embarrassing. I have come to believe that I have absolutely no short-term memory. Recent example: the phone just rang; it was a nurse calling one of our doctors about a patient. She told me her name and which hospital she was calling from. In the 6.35 seconds it took me to walk from my desk to the doctor's office, I had completely forgotten who was calling him. Sad, sad, sad. And all this before my 28th birthday. Tragic.

We're having technology problems here at work. My yahoo account either desperately hates me, or something is wrong with our system. It's frustrating. I've written several e-mails today (witty, interesting, entertaining ones, of course!) that refuse to be sent out into cyberspace. Grrrr. God must be attempting to teach me patience through this.

My birthday is only eight days away. Plans are in the works for Michelle's Marathon Birthday Lock-In Extraveganza. I feel like there should be t-shirts to commemorate said occassion.

I am on a mission. A quest which would change my life in remarkable ways. I want to be allowed to wear scrubs to work. This is an understatement. I think I'm obsessed with being allowed to wear scrubs at work.

I am not a nurse. I don't pretend to be. I don't want to be. I'm just lazy and fashionistically challenged. Choosing what to wear each day is probably my toughest decision each morning. I dread it. And I usually get to work loathing what I've put on my body.

A lot of doctors' offices allow their clerical staff to wear scrubs. And, in fact, I found out today that there's no rule that says I can't. It's only because all of the other clerical workers have no desire to wear scrubs. I think that's slightly odd, because scrubs are cheap, comfy (pretty much like pajamas), cute and come in a multitude of colors and designs. And they're easy to coordinate -- so easy, in fact, I know I could handle it.

So, I'm setting myself a goal: to discuss this with my boss by my birthday. Wouldn't that be the greatest present to myself to buy loads of cute scrubs to wear to work?

I know that you, dear reader, don't really care about my fashion concerns. I'm just telling you so you can hold me accountable with my stated goal.

The afternoon drags on. The sun is shining again, and I'm jealous of people who have jobs that require them to be outside. Park rangers, for example. Lifeguards at the beach, for another.

Oh, say can you see?

2006-05-19T12:10:00.000-07:00

Friday afternoon at the office. Calm. Quiet. Two hours until home time.

All day, my right contact lens has been driving me crazy. After lunch, I gave in and took it out to examine it. Torn right down the middle. Awesome.

So, now I am sitting here, wearing my glasses -- which are broken, and are constantly falling off my face -- in public. I can't decide about glasses and me. Do I look like a nerd? Or do they give me a whole new look, as in 'sexy librarian' or 'smouldering secretary'? I don't know. All I do know is that I don't feel like myself when I wear my glasses. They make me feel awkward and unsure of myself. Isn't that strange?

I'm going with a group of friends tonight to see 'The DaVinci Code'. I'm probably most excited about seeing Lincoln, England, where they filmed a bit of it. Lincoln is one of my favorite places in England, and I would frequently hang out there on my days off. I've been to the heights and depths of the cathedral, which is featured in the movie. I'm thinking it will probably make me very homesick!

For some bizarro reason, I feel like writing a poem. Don't ask me why. I'm just feeling . . . poetic. Hmmmm . . .

Whence Comes a Fortnight
What IS a fortnight?
I do not know that word.
Well, if you are not English,
I guess it sounds absurd.
A fortnight = two weeks.
Aren't you glad you know it?
And only in one fortnight is my birthday,
So don't blow it!

Oh my ridiculousness! I'm such a dork! Anyways . . .

I'm so incredibly thrilled that it's Friday. And behold, the sun doth shine forth. Praying for fun in the sun tomorrow!

Quote of the day

2006-05-18T13:19:00.000-07:00

Today, I was blessed to speak to an 86-year-old woman on the phone at work. She was hilarious, and made me hope and pray that, should I live to be her age, my humor and wit will be mature and intact. Anyway, my favorite thing she said, at the close of our conversation, was this: "I was just calling to see if the doctor takes Medicare and old people." Haha! Fabulous! She also called one of our doctors 'old', but I won't be telling him that anytime soon.

The weekend is coming! And I couldn't be happier!

And it's all downhill from here . . .

2006-05-17T08:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, that title kind of sounds negative, but I mean it in a very positive way! It's Wednesday -- half-way through the work week. As of 12:30 today, we're heading straight for the weekend. Yes.

Hmmm . . . I feel like I've got nothing important or exciting to share with my dear readers today. I'm still pining for some sunshine. I'm starting to think England was sunnier than this! I had a better tan in England's May than I do right now. There's something distinctly not right about that. I learned this in the UK -- I need sunshine to keep me upbeat. There's something about that pure-straight-from-the-sun Vitamin D that makes me peppy. I guess you could say, it's my drug of choice. And right now, I'm going through withdrawal.

Oh my word, I just heard a rumor: there are new giraffes at the zoo! I heart giraffes! They are, by far, my favorite animals. And I'm super-jealous of their eyelashes.

Ok, so right now, our waiting room kind of smells like a bowling alley. I think every patient who has walked in here during the past 20 minutes smoked right before coming inside. Goodness. I can taste the smokiness. Ewwey bleh, bleh.

I'm going to share a quote on my page-a-day calendar at work. I don't know where this particular calendar came from, but I've read a quote off of it every day since December 21. Monday's said this: When I look at the galaxies on a clear night -- when I look at the incredible brilliance of creation, and think that this is what God is like, then instead of feeling intimidated and diminished by it, I am enlarged -- I rejoice that I am part of it (Madeleine L'Engle). I love that. Whenever I look at the stars on a clear night away from city lights, it makes me so incredibly happy. I am in awe that the One that I call Father made it all.

Yesterday, after work, needing some good quality Michelle time, I drove (through the torrential downpour) to, where else, Granny White Park. I sat in my car in the deserted parking lot while the rain flooded everything and lightning struck nearby trees and light poles. There were some scary moments, even for me, who would love to quit this office job and become a storm chaser (I kept wondering if the sage advice I'd heard all my life -- that your car is the safest place to be when it's lightning -- is actually true. I was feeling pretty vulnerable.). But I loved it -- the power of it all. Knowing that God is in control -- even of the storms. When the skies cleared, and I could dismiss the lure of Pei Wei no longer, I drove home feeling energized and . . . better. Sort of cleansed, ridiculous as that sounds.

Then I ate Pei Wei.

And watched the season finale of Scrubs.

Utter bliss. I can't complain!

A mish-mash of thoughts for Monday morning

2006-05-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

How did the weekend fly by so quickly? Last night, around 9 p.m., I realized that it was already time to start a new work week. This past weekend was a lot of fun in my ways, but also very busy and hectic. I actually feel more tired today than I did on Friday. Not the way I like to start the week. But I'm a survivor, and will get through this. I will.

First of all, I have some amazing news to share. It's unbelievable, and those who know me best will be shocked. I haven't eaten ice cream in two days. *GASP* It's true, it's true. I just don't know what's wrong with me. The weirdest part is, I haven't WANTED ice cream. The desire just has not been there. I've heard that our taste buds kind of renew themselves every seven years, which explains why our preferences for foods change periodically. Do my taste buds not want ice cream anymore? And what will they want next?

I've been missing the sunshine. Today it's cold and kind of cloudy looking. Yesterday was much of the same. I want to sit outside at my spot at the park. Alas, the weather just hasn't been conducive lately. It kind of makes me sad. The corners of my mouth are turning down just thinking about it.

To cheer myself up, I will share something that makes me happy. I bought a new CD on Friday and listened to it yesterday. Oh my. If you're looking for some amazing praise music, check it out. Watermark, A Grateful People. Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous!

I want to move to Colorado. I heart mountains and clean, fresh air. If Colorado doesn't work out, I'd settle for Liechtenstein or Austria. The Alps would be, you know, okay, I guess. I dream of living in a cabin in the mountains. I feel like it may be part of my destiny.

So, exciting news. My sister moved to Nashville this weekend. She is currently taking up residence on the couch in my apartment until we can find her a good place of her own or a kindhearted roommate. I love my sister. She's one of my heroes. I took her to church with me yesterday and introduced her to a few of my friends. This, to me, is very intimidating. She's cute and petite and outgoing and witty. Next to her, I feel like Brunhilda, the scary Amazonian giantess. I'm super-proud of my little sis, but my self-esteem really takes a dive when I start comparing myself to her. She's just so beautiful and sophisticated. I guess that's why the Bible tells me not to compare myself to others. It's a game I'll never be able to win and it only leads to pride and/or jealousy. Both are pretty gross. Anyways, my sister is here, I'm excited to have her around, but I need to remember that we are both very cool girls, albeit for different reasons. I just need to be moi!

And finally, my birthday is only two-and-a-half weeks away! I'm starting to think about how I'd like to celebrate. Dear readers, do you have any suggestions?

80 Questions I Guarantee You've Never Answered

2006-05-12T09:21:00.000-07:00

80 Questions I Guarantee You've Never Answered

[[Before The Media]]
Do you watch the Gilmore Girls? Heck, yes! And I think I'm the only person in the world who genuinely likes Logan.
Have you ever enjoyed listening to Jack Johnson? Should I be embarrassed that I don't have a clue who he is?
Have you ever seen or enjoyed watching the O.C.? I've watched maybe 10 minutes of it in my whole lifetime
Do you have one or more Britney Spears C.D.? No, but I'll admit to loving a few of her songs.
Do you regularly watch the news? Hmmmm . . . not so much. I read about it online.
Which radio stations are your favorites? I don't listen to the radio. DJs bug me.

[[Be honest]]
Do you have a song by Ozzy Osbourne in your library? Hmmm, I doubt it.
Queen? I think I've got 'Bohemian Rhapsody' somewhere. Wish I had more of their stuff.
Alanis Morisette? I wish!
Do you watch Family Guy regularly? Never seen it!
The Simpsons? No, but when I do, it makes me laugh.
King of the Hill? No, haven't seen that either.
Seventh Heaven? I used to watch it while I was in college.

[[Admit it]]
Do you read trashy romance novels often? Haha, oh my gross. No!
Do you really work out every day? I would love to work out everyday, but, alas, I just don't have the time.
Have you ever eaten an entire pint or more of ice cream by yourself? I'm a girl, of course I have.
Have you ever eaten nothing but junk food for a week straight? Sadly, a time or two
Do you sing obnoxiously in the car when you're driving alone? Oh my word -- yes! If people could hear me, I probably wouldn't have any friends.
Do you sing obnoxiously in the shower when no one's home? No, there is nothing appealing to me about singing in the shower.
Have you ever watched a little kid's show when you were over 12? Oh yeah -- 'That's So Raven' actually makes me laugh.
Have you ever looked forward to going to school? Yes, I want to go back!

[[The Necessary Love Questions That Aren't So Necessary]]
Have you ever pretended your crush was with you when they werent really? I'm confused.
What did you draw for your first crush back in elementary school? I don't think I ever drew him anything, but I picked him to be boys' line leader on the days I was girls' line leader. I know. Romantic.
Have you ever liked a girl or guy but didn't ask them out because you were afraid? Yes, but I also believe that guys should ask the girls anyway.
Have you ever written a poem or story about your love life? Yep. And this is how it started: "Flushing, I feel myself blushing, hotly realizing what I just said." And the rest of it is just as good, haha! (Just to clarify, I wrote this when I was 16. It wasn't last week or anything!)
An autobiography? I've been told I should write one, but I don't know if I'd be committed enough to doing it.
Have you ever spent over an hour thinking about nothing but nothing? Nope. My mind never stops working.
Have you ever liked someone solely for their appearance? I've been physically attracted to someone based totally on their appearance, but that's as far as the attraction went.

[[The Questions You Love: Completely and Utterly Pointless Ones]]
Do you eat all the servings in the food groups on a daily basis? Not even close.
Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization? I like to be surrounded by cleanness, yes.
Have you ever been to South America or Africa? No, but I've been to Australia and all over Europe.
Have you ever owned a Klutz book or kit? No.
Do you know how to knit? No.
Do you have a cell phone or an iPod with a patterened cover? Haha, no.
Have you ever written love song lyrics yourself and put them in your profile? Why would I do that?
Do you keep a diary or journal (online or on paper)? Yes.
Do you own a striped sweater? I'm wearing a striped sweater today, funnily enough.
How often do you take a bubble bath? As often as time allows.
When you open your closet, what is the dominant color of your clothes? red, white and black

[[Truly Unusual This or That Questions]]
Baskin Robbins or Coldstone? Both
Sees or Godiva? Godiva. Mmmmmm . . .
The Shins or the Decemberists? The Shins.
America or Canada? England
Physics or chemistry? Not even if my life depended on it
Earphones or headphones? Earphones
Chocolate brown or teal? Combined, I think they look pretty hot
Earrings or a ring? Earrings -- I don't wear rings
Commitment or casual dating? Hello, loaded question.
Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? Both -- although I've read all the HP books but none of the LOTR.
Fly or road trip? Depends on my traveling companions.
Starbucks or Petes? Starbucks.

[[Another Wave of Random Questions]]
What is your favorite Disney movie? 'Beauty and the Beast' and 'The Little Mermaid'
How much jewelry do you own? Too much that I never wear.
Have you memorized the rejection hotline, just in case? No, but it's a good idea.
Have you ever given someone the rejection hotline as your number? I might be tempted to.
Do you own any Care Bears memorabilia? Nope.
Do you have a comforter on your bed? I have a queen-sized feather duvet imported from England. I am in love with it!

The Simple Things that I Love

2006-05-11T11:13:00.000-07:00

Today's list: 25 Little Things that I Love A Lot

1. Walking barefoot on soft carpet, on grass, on the beach
2. Bright colored raincoats and umbrellas on a wet, gray day
3. Pink toenail polish
4. Using my handpainted "Michelle's Cuppa Tea" mug in the mornings
5. LUSH baths
6. My daily Diet Pepsi break around 4 p.m. every afternoon
7. Dangly earrings
8. Bagpipe music, live in person
9. The smell of rain, snow, spring, and most of all the nature smells, the ocean
10. Having fresh flowers in the house
11. English strawberries
12. Clothes fresh from the dryer
13. Playing the piano by candlelight
14. Receiving "real" mail, not bills or junk
15. Clean sheets on the bed
16. Popcorn
17. Finding out at the register that your purchase is actually on sale
18. Taking a walk on a summer evening around 8:30
19. Getting an e-mail from a long-lost friend
20. Old yearbooks and photo albums
21. Christmas lights at night, shining on freshly-fallen snow
22. Tulips
23. Hugs from a child
24. The smell of old, antique books
25. And no list is complete without it: ice cream.

Blast from the past!!!

2006-05-09T11:39:00.000-07:00

I'm back!

After an extended hiatus from my blogspot blog, I have returned to share all my random thoughts and opinions and emotions with whoever is brave/bored/interested enough to read them! Clearly, I remembered my username and password. In fact, I hadn't even remembered I had this blog set up until this morning! Sad, isn't it? All part of growing older. I mean, I will be 28 in just three weeks.

So, here I am, relocated to the United States and working through reverse culture shock. I'm doing pretty okay, I think. I still have days where certain songs/photos/memories trigger the tears. And I'm cool with that. I knew it would be tough and emotional and kind of like a roller coaster ride. Such is life. But what an adventure!

Okay, enough of the deep stuff! I think I'm going to become a listmaker in my blogs. Starting with this one:

Five Things I've Discovered Recently that have Brightened/Enriched My Life (how's that for a list title, eh?)

1. Granny White Park -- If the sun is shining, I'm probably outside enjoying it (except Monday-Friday 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.). I love this park. It's big and pretty with lots of nice grass to recline on. I love the feel of grass on my bare feet. I love the long summer days. This is my new refuge.

2. 'God's Smuggler' by Brother Andrew -- Three times in one week someone recommended this book to me. Fortunately, my mum owns a copy and loaned it to me. I started reading it this past Saturday, and have been amazed and humbled and challenged by Brother Andrew's faith and courage and enthusiasm for sharing God's Word. It's made me want to have a more outrageous, exuberant, daring faith in God.

3. Baja Burrito -- Ok, so I was introduced to this back in October, but it's come to mean a great deal to me more recently. It's cheap, it's yummy, it's Mexican. Need I say more?

4. Chocolate covered peanuts -- I read somewhere that if you must eat chocolate, then to eat the kind with nuts in it. This somehow increases the nutritional value. Well, kids, I MUST eat chocolate. Happily, a store very close to my work has the best chocolate covered peanuts ever! On the days when I MUST eat chocolate, I make a run for the candy counter.

5. Jim Halpert (aka John Krasinski) -- Girls, if you've watched "The [American] Office" you know what I'm saying. I think Jim may be my 'Perfect Man.' He's tall, he's handsome, he's intelligent, and he's very creative and witty. *sigh* I'm in love.

Honarable Mentions: Peanut Butter Passion Ice Cream. Hmmmm, I kind of feel sad that's all I got right now. Blame it on the afternoon mind fry.

here, there and everywhere!

2005-08-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month since I last wrote. A month! My, time sure does fly! It's been a month of familiar faces and new friends, and I feel like I've barely been in Loughborough. I've traveled to London, to Nottingham, to Birmingham. And I'm preparing for more travel -- to America on September 30, and, praise God!, to Scotland in just three weeks. So, I basically will be spending no time in Loughborough in my remaining six weeks in England.

It's a weird and also surreal feeling, to think that in two months I won't be here anymore. Six weeks is not much, but I'm having trouble really believing that's all I have left here. Those days will fly, and then, so will I, all the way back to a country I was born in, but now has become strange and scary.

Sometimes I feel like a patient who has just been given weeks to live. Although I can't even begin to fathom how that really feels, in some ways I relate. What do you do when you're given a time limit and yet you have so much you need and want to do? I know how I want to spend these last six weeks, but I'm having a hard time actually doing it. Maybe because I still don't really believe that I'm leaving.

Recently, I've thought a lot about Jesus and his last days on earth before he ascended into heaven. I know he was ready to go and be with his Father again, but I also believe he deeply loved his family and friends here. He knew he had to go, He knew it was right to go, but it must have been hard for him to go. He knew he'd see these people again and be with them for always, but even a temporary separation causes heartache. I keep asking myself -- and God -- how do you do it? How did you live out your last days on earth? What was most important to you? What did you want to soak in? I want to be fully alive right now, but I just don't know where to start. I don't want to miss one thing, but I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now, I don't understand how to take it all in.

Please Father, help me to live, truly live right here and right now. Open my eyes, my ears and my heart to create memories that will stay with me forever. And open my hands when it's time to let go and time to fly away.

Praying for a miracle

2005-07-20T15:29:00.000-07:00

I have a dream.

Hmmm . . . that sounds familiar.

Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream, and so do I. My dream probably isn't anywhere near as noble and important as his, but it's still a dream. It's important to me. I want to make it a reality, but the way my life's been this week, I haven't a clue how that could happen.

I want to go to Scotland.

Yeah, that's my dream.

See, not noble, not important. Kind of selfish, actually.

I love Scotland. I've been twice before, but that's not enough for me. It's in my blood. I cry when I hear bagpipes. To me, it's the most beautiful place on earth. There's still so much of it I want to explore.

As I wrote yesterday, I'm leaving the UK in two months. I don't know when I'll be back here again. Maybe next year. Maybe in 30 years. Maybe never. I don't know when I'll have the opportunity to visit my bonny Scotland again.

Today, just in case, I checked flight prices from Nottingham to Edinburgh in September. Twenty-three pounds return. That's less than $50 for a two-way ticket, a ticket from here to my dream come true. It's so close, so easy, but yet, so far from my reach.
I don't even have the money to pay my rent this week, much less buy a ticket to Scotland. I've had to borrow money to pay my bills. It seems ridiculous to even entertain the thought of spending my money on something so unnecessary, so trivial. But, oh, it's so very tempting.

Angie, my housemate, claims that I will get to go to Scotland before I move back to America. She even told me to start picking my dates. (Unbeknownst to her, I did). She believes I will have my miracle.

Angie believes in the same God I do. The One who said, "Nothing is impossible with me." The same One who tells us that He can fulfill the desires of my heart. My heart deeply desires a parting trip to Scotland. But is that a good and right desire? I believe that if God thinks so, I'll be seeing the Highlands soon.
The truth is, I want a miracle. I want God to provide for what I need, and then enough to visit a place I adore while I still have the opportunity. And so I pray to the God of all miracles:
Father, if You want me to go to Scotland, please give me what I need to do that. Please make my dream come true. I don't know how or when, but I believe that nothing is impossible with You, even this desire of mine that seems so far from my reach today. I want to go to Scotland, Lord. Will you please make a way for me to get there?

I'll keep you updated!

Summertime

2005-07-19T13:46:00.000-07:00

After a very long leave of absence from my blog, I'm back! Because I am writing this on a computer in the library, I only have 12 minutes to journal my life from April until now. Ooops, only 11 minutes left!
Since I last wrote, my life has been filled with moments of self-discovery and large decisions to be made. It's been scary, and it's been exhilarating. I've had some real highs and some terrifying lows. Somedays I feel like I've woken up on a roller coaster, and I'm being tossed around as my emotions shoot up and down and all around in just a matter of minutes. Wow! Such is life, I guess.
My biggest pivotal moment recently occurred when, a month ago, I made the decision to leave England in the autumn. I cried for two days after I made that decision, but I know it's right. I feel it in my gut. It's not easy, but sometimes the right thing to do is also the hardest.
In just a few weeks, I'll leave a country that I have learned to love with a passion. I'll say goodbye to people who have been my family and friends in a place where I didn't know a soul to start with. It's going to hurt like crazy. It's going to break my heart.
Oswald Chambers once wrote something like, "If through a broken heart God can accomplish His purposes, pray that God breaks your heart." That's not a direct quote, but the gist of it is the same. Sometimes God works best through us when our hearts are broken and crushed, when we have nothing left to hold on to but Him. I pray that's what He does with me. My heart will break when I leave England, but I pray He'll use the pieces of it to make something new and wonderful.
Please be praying for me in the coming weeks and months. This is a new adventure. Carpe diem!

On being a princess. . .

2005-04-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

My friend Joanne, who works at a day care center, asked the children last week what they wanted to be when they grew up. One of the little boys said Spiderman. One of the little girls said that she wanted to be a princess.

My heart understands that little three-year-old. As a 26-year-old, I still want to be a princess when I grow up. Yesterday, Angie and I joined millions of other people in watching Prince Charles marry Camilla. To be honest, I watched mainly to get a glimpse of Prince William! You see, for years I've lived under the delusion that I will miraculously meet him and he'll immediately choose me to be his bride, his princess.

I feel kind of silly admitting that, but I have an idea that I'm not alone in dreaming those kinds of dreams. I would guess that many other women dream of a handsome, charming prince sweeping her off her feet. After all, we've been raised on fairy tales -- stories of ordinary women turned princess and living happily ever after.

In the past few months, I've started to get caught up in what I'll call "Princess Fever". As God's child, a daughter of the King of kings, I guess I'm technically a princess. The world may not recognize me as such and call me "HRH Princess Michelle", but I'm thinking that God maybe does. And well, there's some really cute "princess" merchandise on the market, even on the Christian market. I've got the socks, door hangings, bookmarks, and my friends have even bought me "princess" . . . unmentionables (you know).

But I'm realizing that loads of cute "princess" merchandise does not a princess make. And I've been wondering lately, what is a real princess? What does she look like? How does she think? How does she treat others? How does she behave, even when no one else is watching? And the biggest question: could I really be a princess?

There's a verse in Song of Solomon that, oh, how I wish could be used to describe me. "Yes, compared to other women, my beloved is like a lily among thorns" (2:2). That verse, to me, is the essence of a true princess. She's different, extraordinary, rare, set apart. She has qualities that are hard to find, unusual, not commonplace. You can see a uniqueness in her attitude, in how she walks and talks and acts. She stands out, not because she's crude or loud or attention-seeking, but because she's graceful and gracious.

The late Princess Diana is still adored and loved by millions here in the UK and throughout the world. To many she was a fairytale princess come to life. The legacy she left when she died was one of service. In her later years, she devoted her life to many charities and traveled the world helping hurting people. Although Diana was far from perfect, I admire that quality about her. She used her position and status to help others. I think that's a mark of a true princess. She doesn't toss her title around so she can have the best seats in the theatre, or get invited to the best party, or get loads of applause and attention. She sees her position of privilege as a way to touch as many lives as possible.

As you can see, I'm still trying to figure this whole princess-thing out. My position as God's child sets me apart, but am I using it to bless others? Am a lily or do I blend in with the other thorns?

All I know is that when I grow up, I still want to be a princess! And hey, if a handsome prince wants to sweep me off my feet, slay the dragon and wake me up with a kiss, I wouldn't mind that either!

After the last tear falls . . .

2005-03-17T17:25:00.000-08:00

Today I attended a funeral. It might sound weird, but I had never met the person who had died. I only know her husband, and only a little at that!

When I signed on to do Homicide work with Victim Support, attending funerals of someone who has been murdered became part of my job. This was the second such funeral I've been required to attend. It's one of the hardest, most heart-breaking parts of my VS work.

It's hard because these people who were killed were relatively young. They both left behind young children and spouses who must adjust to life on earth without them. It's also difficult because they died cruelly, at the hands of someone else who killed them in cold blood. It's sad to see just how many people are affected by this loss -- the grieving friends, co-workers, neighbors, carpool buddies, workout partners.

But one of the biggest reasons I find attending these funerals so painful and difficult is that I feel my faith being shaken. I can almost hear the mourners hearts crying out: "Why? Why did he have to die?" "Why did it have to be her? She has a 7-year-old daughter to raise!" My heart cries out with them: "God, why did You let this happen? Where were you?" When I hear myself asking those questions, it kind of scares me. I like to believe that my faith in God is absolute, no matter what. It's times and situations like these that I see that my faith is not as rock-solid as I want to think it is.

Strangely, however, although I feel my heart crying out with questions and my faith being tossed around, I know with a complete certainty that God is good. Since working with Victim Support and hearing stories that most people think only happen in movies, more than ever I believe in God's goodness. In the middle of the raw emotions and the dark shadows of grief, the goodness of God shines out with a steady, unquenchable light. It's like the lighthouse that guides me through the storms that rock my faith.

The reason I believe that God is absolutely, with-out-a-doubt good is because I see every day just how evil this world is. It's kind of like the law of opposites: you can't have an up without a down; you can't have hot without cold; you can't have loud without soft. You cannot have extreme evil without having something equally, if not more, good. Only God can be that extreme, absolute good.

One of my favorite Bible verses is Psalm 62:11-12a. David wrote, One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that You, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. David had seen some nasty things in his life, yet he still believed in the strength and love of God. That verse gives me such hope and peace. God's goodness is something I can hold to in any storm.

As I sat through the funeral today, I had a desire to watch the movie The Passion of the Christ. Although I can and do read about Christ's crucifixion and resurrection in the Bible, as a very visual learner, this movie made Jesus' death so real to me. I wanted to watch it today to remind myself that Christ's death defeated death once and for all. That his strength and love has won, proving his goodness in the ultimate way.

There is a amazingly beautiful song by Christian artist Andrew Peterson from his Love and Thunder CD. Today it encouraged me to leave my "why?"s and "where?"s and how?"s in God's hands, and to cling to His goodness while my faith wavers and questions. No matter how evil and dark this world becomes, God's love and goodness will win. It will be what's still standing in the end. I finish this blog with some of the song's lyrics:

After the last tear falls,
After the last secret's told,
After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone;
After the last child starves,
and the last girl walks the boulevard
After the last year that's just too hard,
There is Love . . .

After the last disgrace,
After the last lie to save some face,

After the last brutal jab from a poisoned tongue;

After the last dirty politician,

After the last meal down at the mission,

After the last lonely night in prison,

There is Love . . .

After the last plan fails,
After the last siren wails,
After the last young husband sails off to join the war;
After the last "This marriage is over,"
After the last girl's innocence is stolen,
After the last years of silence that won't let a heart open,
There is Love . . .

And in the end,
the end is oceans and oceans of Love and Love again
We'll see how the tears that have fallen
Were caught in the palms
of the Giver of Love and the Lover of all
And we'll look back on these tears as old tales

After the last tear falls,
There is Love

That brave thing I did . . .

2005-02-27T16:21:00.000-08:00

Last week was one of high drama and emotion in my usually quiet, ordinary world. To make an incredibly long story a bit shorter, over a year ago I developed a crush of enormous size on a police officer I met and worked with on a case at court. Keep in mind until I saw him again last week, I had only met him once in my entire life. But once was enough for me! So when he walked into the Loughborough court house and back into my life last Tuesday afternoon, needless to say, I was elated! My elation only increased when he remembered me (woohoo!) and talked with me for over half an hour. My feet barely touched the ground on the walk home.

Of course I related this whole tale to Angie, Joanne, Andy, Beth and even my boss at court, Julie. Their excitement for me quickly led them to all ask, "But did you get his phone number? Did he get yours?"

Um . . . unfortunately, no. How can I ask a police officer at court for his phone number, or even discreetly pass him mine without looking completely unprofessional?

All of "my girls" said that I must make some sort of move. After all, I see him on an average of .85 times a year! I couldn't let this opportunity slip away, because I may not have another one until . . . next June!

So, I did it. Because I value my life (I seriously think my housemate and sister might have killed me if I did not act in some way), and because I am so interested in this police officer, I acted. I made a move. I sent him a card. Nothing soppy, just breezy, light, funny . . . and by the way, here's my phone number if you ever want to meet up with your American friend again.

What have I done?!?!

It's been two-and-a-half days since that fateful drop in the postbox. The phone hasn't rung once. Not even a telemarketer! I think the phone is mocking me ("Ha, ha, not only is your police officer never going to call you, but NO ONE is ever going to call you again!). For someone who daily lives in utter fear of rejection, it's bizarre that I have opened myself up to be rejected in such a humiliating way!

I feel like such an idiot!

Angie is surely exhausted with hearing me try to pretend that I could care less if the good officer calls me or not. She's been encouraging, telling all the people at church that I did something incredibly brave this past week. And while I'm thankful for this gesture of goodwill, I can't help but feel silly having to say "no" to the dozens of people who now ask me everytime they see me if HE'S called yet.

It's tough. A part of me is proud of my usually timid, scared, anxious self for taking a huge risk and doing something I've never ever done in all my 26 1/2 years. A part of me is glad I did it, because when I'm 80, I won't have to wonder if that nice young police officer was just flirting to pass his day in court, or if there was more there.

But a part of me is scared. If he never calls, it will hurt. I'll wonder what's wrong with me. I'll be terribly disappointed. I'll live in fear of running into him again at court and having to hold my head high and act like I'm not the weird stalker he may believe me to be now. I'll be sad.

I'll be okay.

A Latin proverbs says, "Fortune follows courage." I suppose this is true. Nothing is gained unless that first step is taken. As John Ortberg says, "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat." He's right. And I kind of hate that. It's hard. Courage is kind of like jumping off a cliff, not knowing what you're going to land on: your bum, or a trampoline that shoots you to even greater heights. You just won't know until you take that leap.

So, this week, I lept. And I kind of feel like I'm still falling. The results may not be what I'm hoping for, and I know that will be hard. But at the same time, I believe that all courage is rewarded somehow, that I'll gain some sort of treasure from this risk I've taken.

And I pray that even if it's rejection that I face, I will use it as the trampoline at the bottom of the cliff and soar!

I'll keep you updated!

Fear

2005-02-18T12:40:00.000-08:00

I'm scared. No, really, I'm terrified. In the pit of my stomach, is a feeling so heavy and dark and sickly, it can only be fear. I don't know who reads my blog. Maybe no one, or just one or two people. Even if no one ever reads it, maybe it's still good to give words to what's frightening me most these days.

The silly thing -- and the annoying thing -- is that the answer is so obvious: TRUST GOD. I know this. I want to do this. I'm trying to do this. But a little part of me is saying, "I've been praying about this for months, yet He doesn't seem to be listening. But He must be, so why isn't He doing something?" I'm even scared to admit that a part of me believes there's no point praying about it anymore. It won't make any difference.

You see, dear readers, who ever you may be, my financial situation is dismal. I don't have enough to stay in England much more than a couple of months. My monthly support is covering my bills -- but there's not much left over, not enough to live on. This week I got some surprise bills -- big ones -- final bills from my flat that I had no clue would be coming. I called the companies; I've got to pay them. I have a small savings account that was supposed to be for emergencies or extras. This is an emergency, and my account is dwindling rapidly.

In situations like these, I know God must be trying to teach me something. But what? Is He telling me that maybe I should leave, that I've overstayed my welcome? I have a difficult time believing that. Is He trying to teach me to be like Paul, to live on nothing and to rejoice all the way through it? I'm sure that's part of it. Or is He begging me to trust Him, to seek His kingdom first and to believe that He'll provide the rest? As ashamed as I am to admit it, and as annoyed as I am to admit it, that's probably it. He wants me to trust Him. Great.

It's so hard. I'm looking at the bills I've got to pay this afternoon and my bank balance, and I'm frightened. I feel like I've asked, practically begged everyone I know to consider supporting me. Angie has contacted people for me. The church here has given me everything they can afford and then some. I feel stuck and hopeless . . . and I don't know what else to do.

Please pray with me and for me that I'll trust God without wavering right now, that He'll honor my requests and raise some support for me. It's embarrassing asking for money, but if you know anyone -- yourself, friends, family members, a singles' ministry or a Bible study group that could help me, it would be hugely appreciated.

Thanks for reading! Have a great day!

A post V-Day update

2005-02-15T11:12:00.000-08:00

I feel bad that my first blog was semi-depressing. So, in order to cheer this blog up a bit, I'll tell you that Valentine's Day wasn't so bad after all. Angie and I put on dresses and heels, set our new table with our best "company" dishes, and enjoyed a gourmet dinner of chicken pot pie, sweetcorn and tiramisu. Then we watched "Little Women" and cried ourselves silly (not due to V Day depression, but because it's a classic tear-jerker). I went to bed feeling satisfied, thankful for a day well-spent.

What did I learn from this? Although not a new lesson, it's certainly one that needs repeating in my life: your attitude will make or break you! I have a quote hanging in my bedroom, and part of it says, "Your attitude is your best friend or your worst enemy . . . It is the librarian of your past, the speaker of your present, and the prophet of your future." How wise and true those words are! It's something I need reminded of daily, especially on days like yesterday when I wake up feeling like life is unfair and a big, black cloud is sitting on my head!

So, today is a brand new day. I went to court, but was sent home because the scheduled trial went down (why they couldn't let me know this yesterday is beyond me). Tonight is the Young Adult Bible study, followed by a sleepover with the girls. The girls love sleepovers, and I love sleepovers . . . although they remind me that I'm no longer a freshman at university! I can't stay awake all night like I used to without paying for it the rest of the week. Lord, please give me strength!!

I think Elvis might live in my loo . . .

2005-02-14T11:04:00.000-08:00

Hooray! I have a blog! No promises that I'll be a faithful contributor, but at least I feel I have advanced into the modern world of Internet communication.

Now, about my Blog title: Elvis in the Loo. Just so you know, Angie and I believe that Elvis lives in our bathroom. We also believe there are gypsies in our attic, gnomes under our kitchen sink, and Pakistanis inhabiting our pantry. This is the only way we can make any sense of the odd noises and smells we have encountered in our new home (for example, our pantry smells strongly of stale curry). All the oddities aside, we do love our new house!

So, Happy Valentine's Day! As a spinster with absolutely no prospects, quite honestly, I find this day difficult. As I walked through the town center this afternoon, the millions of rose bouquets, helium-filled balloons and lovey-dovey couples holding hands really bugged me! And the fact that that bugged me, also bugged me! I mean, I should be used to this by now. I shouldn't care that no one sent me a dozen roses or gave me an expensive box of chocolates. I should be secure in the knowledge that I am God's child, and I am well loved. But, deep down inside, I know that I loathe Valentine's Day, and I know exactly why.

And yet, the Bible tells me that God made this day, and I am to rejoice and be glad in it. So, all day I've tried to be extra thankful. This is what I've come up with:

We got a new table and chairs today . . . for free!
Flowers were on sale today . . . so I bought some to decorate our new table.
Valentine's Day is the perfect excuse to buy chocolate . . . so I did.
And now, it's time for dinner. Angie and I are putting on dresses and heels and eating our chicken pot pie in style!

Hope your V Day is just as grand!